Apologies and thanks to the artists who created the mentioned superheroes.)
Dear Barney,
Why don't you eat some of those juicy little two-legged animals that
hang out around you? Are they too dirty? If you don't use your teeth they
will become extinct, and so will your fat purple ass. And please watch out
for the bog. It's so sticky, and you know what happened to your cousin. I
just love your little brain, Mom.
Dear Wile E. Coyote,
Have you thought about chicken as a part of your diet? You are getting so
skinny chasing that roadrunner, and I don't think there's enough meat on that
smartass bird to feed a puppy. You're not doing all that just to impress some
bitch, are you? I wish the network would stop showing those films of you falling
off the cliff. Come home for a real meal sometime, will you? Mom.
Dear Peter,
I'm missing a green and yellow basket of eggs. I'm getting so forgetful in my
old age. Did I leave it in somebody's yard? I so look forward to egging some
nog with your grain. Hop on by anytime, Mom.
Dear Porky,
It's great to see you hamming it up with the Hogs. We don't doubt your
athletic ability, so go out there and do your best. You are such an
important part of the football team. We love you, but your dad and I are
tired of seeing you get kicked around all the time. Th-th-that's not all,
Your Folks.