By Su and Roger Henry
We recently traveled to Texas to visit the rest of our family and celebrate the rare occasion we are all together. At Older Sister's great Round Table we were discussing the general State of Humankind and her relationship to the Cosmos, and one of our number, a student of Astrophysics at the University of Houston, could not be bound by the mundane and proceeded into the State of the Universe and how we affect it. With the aid of six jars of Dewberry Jelly, a brass ashtray, an infinitely large protractor, various household appliances and violent gestures to span billions and billions of everything, we came to some important questions that necessitate this essay: Where is the Center of the Universe? Is there a center? If so, how would we go about finding it? What is it made of? Is there fashion at the edges of the Universe? Is there an edge? Are we hemmed in, or is it open? What about lunch?
Infinite Protractor in one hand and Diogenes' Lamp in the other, we set out on our lexical adventure. As we suspected, the Center of the Universe indeed appears to be made of Dewberry Jelly, an arrangement (at first on the table) that is much more likely to attract the attention of school children than all that talk about hot gas and nuclear confusion. Had we been in attendance at the moment of the Dewberry Bang, which is certainly one of Life's hottest events, we would have all had toast.
Surrounding the Center of the Universe is a hollow wood and brick structure in Deer Park, Texas. This was proven to us when, at the end of the evening, which was the beginning of forever, all of us were hurled through space from the Center carryinq Dewberry Jelly in all different directions at varying velocities. Our hypothesis is that the Center of the Universe travels away from its center and remains at its center indefinitely, or until after breakfast, which ever comes first.
We decided that there is fashion at the edge of a Clothed Universe. Red and Blue Shifts are vaguely in vogue if one knows what one is looking for. However, if we take our lunch when we go shopping for shifts beyond the Universe, travel at speeds beyond that of light, and expect to return in time for tea yesterday, we may also expect to have to carbon date the toast.
How may anyone demonstrate the Speed of Light? If you are driving your car at night through Texas at 75 miles per hour (typical for Texans), does the speed of light coming from your headlights equal the Speed of Light plus 75 miles per hour? We profess that it does not, yet have no way to prove it since no one wanted to stand on a Texas Highway at night. The Speed of Light remains constant (at least it did for us that evening) regardless of the velocity of the source. But try explaining that to your sister-in-law the Couch Potato. Tell her that you have traveled on Texas highways at speeds faster than light. (In Texas no one will notice). You will discover the most important maxim of the New Physics, that is: Relativity is only relatively relevant to your relatives, relatively speaking. After all, who but your relatives can relate to you well enough to listen to the whole explanation?
Give Miss Couch Potato Dewberry Jelly, something she can relate to. Tell her that it represents the Center of the Universe. Serve hot toast and notice how she affects it. The Center of the Universe is soon obscured by your sister-in-law, yet you know it still exists, you just can't see it. (How does the Center of the Universe affect your sister-in-law? Is she still moving?)
Ultimately, the Center of the Universe must remain obscure, for to know where it is would probably serve only to help us determine (to our detriment) which side of the tracks we live on. Likewise, it is important only to know that Dewberry Jelly exists happily within your sister-in-law, and where specifically it is in her should not be important to you or to her. What should be important is, can we live with it right where it is, just the way we found it? Or have we found it?
We invite disputation, for we are willing to be convinced otherwise if that is possible. At least we will listen to you if you happen to have Dewberry Jelly or its equivalent, and an approximate location of the Center of the Universe.