HEAVEN (from) Old English, hefen, < Greek, kamara, the "vault (of heaven)." A place occupied by our former comrades and enemies. There are two varieties of heaven, objective and subjective. The objective heavens are ordered and disciplined by the need to serve all angels and mortals of Earth that need raising to the same enlightened existence. The subjective heavens are a walled "paradise" where indulgent souls worship, seemingly forever, whatever deity or saviors they called upon while mortal. The distinguishing characteristic of objective heavens is that the souls in residence there worship that which we call a "Great Spirit" and are taught the power of concerted will to serve the good of the planet, and each other, not the good of the gods, lords and saviors. Furthermore, they understand that in time they will be born again into etheric heavens far and above more beautiful and helpful than anything possible on Earth, or in the subjective heavens around the Earth. The major delight in the subjective heavens, after proper supplications to the chief diety, is watching the "lost" souls suffering in hell below (or next door).

HEIGHT-WEIGHT AVERAGES (from) insurance company statistics. In the 1940s and 50s the heights and weights of Americans was compiled and averaged in order to more accurately calculate the risks involved in insuring policy holders. The charts were immediately adopted by the medical profession and remained relatively reliable until the late 60s when the amount of beef, and non-food substances, in the average diet went up dramatically. In subsequent years the average weight of Americans has increased so rapidly that the charts have to be updated every 3 years or less in order to reflect the expanding average.

HEIMLICH'S CAFE (from) (Dr.) Heimlich's Maneuver. Where you cough up good money for a meal you can cough up.

HELLFIRE AND DAMNATION (from) The South. That which spews from the mouths of over-zealous preachers, not God.

"The hottest places in hell are reserved for those who, in time of moral crisis, choose to remain neutral." -- Dante

HELTER SKELTER (origin unknown). Ever use one of these words alone? It's an echoic re-duplication, like hurry scurry and holder debolder. I disaprove of the association of Lennon / McCartney's music to madman Charles Manson, but there's not much I can do about it. Ever notice that elevator music is 1/6th re-orchestrated Beatles music? Well, maybe not every sixth song. Actually, they just mix them in helter skelter.

HERBIVORE (from) Latin herba + vorare, to swallow. Veterinary science has shown us that carnivores have a gut length approximately 3 times their body length and herbivores have a gut length 11 times their body length. Humans have a gut length 11 times body length. Humans are not designed by nature to eat flesh!

HERMES ZOSTER (from) Sex. The god of communicable diseases. Characterized by wings on the heels and lips.

HERO (from) IndoEuropean ser-, to protect. Other words from this origin are conserve and reserve. How do Americans view those persons trying to preserve the reservations of the Hopi and Navajo in Arizona? Not as heroes, so this word also has lost its real meaning. It is a relative term dependent on one's age, religion, and economic status.

"We can't all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by." -- Thomas Jefferson

"One murder makes a villain, millions a hero." -- Beilby Proteus (b. 1731)

HISTORY (from) Greek, histor, learned man. That which is no longer contemporary and is periodically rewritten in order to serve certain special interest groups, like religions, the military, governments, constitution drafters, etc., and to convince the supporting intelligencia of that which they want to hear. A relative term, depending upon which group of pirates you serve. Wise men tend to ignore most of it.

"The cyclical movement of history was now intelligible, or appeared to be so; and if it was intelligible, then it was alterable." -- George Orwell, 1984

HITS, RUNS & ERRORS (from) American ball game. Failing to leave a note and your bizcard on a car you smack in a parking lot before you run home.

HOGSANNA (from) Hebrew hosha'na, "save us!" Used to express praise or adoration to God Football, or to petition the Lord of Touchdowns.

HOMELESSNESS (from) 1985 White House rhetoric. Camping.

HOMO SAPIENS (from) Greek homos, same + Latin sapiens, to have good taste. Humans as thinking creatures, as opposed to those who only stand erect (like Homo Erectus). This definition assumes that it is in good taste to think. It would be so easy to write something not in good taste.

HONEYMOON (from) the Pagans. The American Heritage Dictionary defines honeymoon as the sweetest (first) month of marriage. The Woman's Encyclopedia of Myths and Secrets indicates the "honeymoon" of a lunar month would include a menstrual period, the real source of what was euphemistically called moon-honey. A groom contacted the source of life by copulating with his bride during menstruation, according to the oldest Oriental belief. A combination of honey and menstrual (wise) blood was once considered the universal elixir of life, the "nectar" mixed by Aphrodite and her sacred bees, which kept the very gods alive. Early Christian Ophites celebrated a Tantric-style "love feast" which included the tasting of menstrual blood, and it was said that they mingled blood with honey. Thus, they combined two of the three substances - the third being salt - most often associated with resurrection or rebirth.

HONKY (Origin obscure) I asked a historian from the University of Arkansas where this word came from, and he has heard that Hungarians were called Hungies in black ghettos in the North. Hungie became Honky, and we have been Honkies ever since. I have also been told that white males wanting the services of certain Afro-American females would drive to the curb and honk because of their fear of getting out of the car in the "wrong" neighborhood. I have always wanted a bumper sticker that says "Horn if you're Honky."

HONKY POWER (from) Commerce. White American Consumer Pride. Looking down our noses at the rest of the world for not being smart enough to consume 1/3 of the Earth's resources. Examples of Honky Power are many, from following the car ahead of you through a stop sign, to assuming that the near universe operates like the U.S.A. and is waiting for us to introduce our republican bureaucracies, religions, medicine, cold beer and commerce, etc., in exchange for rewastable resources.

HOODWINK (from) The Bureaucracy. To deceive, trick. Archaic: To blindfold. Obsolete: To conceal. A gesture of friendliness (wink) performed by the bureaucrat (hood) to his cronies as he pulls more wool over the taxpayers' eyes.

HOSPICE (from) Latin hospitium, hospitality, from hospes, host (receiver of guests.) Lodging for travelers, usually operated by monastics. Contemporary hospices are much needed homelike support organizations and facilities for those persons choosing to travel to the next world.

HOSPITAL (from) hospes. Originally a place of shelter or rest, it became a charitable institution for the young, aged or infirm. After the industrial revolution it became a place to go to die. As sanitary technique was discovered, chances of survival increased. With modern plumbing, survival rates went up even more, and in spite of the physicians. With the advent of chemical drugs and more invasive surgery, the survival rate dropped. Hence, with the hospice offering a place to die, the hospital has become a place to be killed, either by iatrogenics (surgical and chemical invasion) or by nosocomial (hospital generated) infection.

"Run, don't walk, from the hospitals." -- Dr. Robert Mendelsohn

"If you must go to hospital have a good reason, and visualize yourself walking out before you go in." -- Roger Henry

HUG (from) Old Norse hugga, to comfort, console. A daily human need that few acknowledge and fewer satisfy.

HUMOR (from) Latin (h)umor, liquid, fluid. The quality of being laughable or comical. A state of mind; mood; spirit. Formerly, one of the four fluids of the body, the character of which was believed to determine the general health of a person. A substance that, when poured out on a fellow human, causes that person to flow into laughter and well-being.

"It was the saying of an ancient sage that humor was the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor." -- Shaftesbury

HUNGER (from) 1985 White House rhetoric. A condition caused by an inability to eat or invest food stamps at the stock exchange.