1-19-95
NEW FUR COAT? Now that most exotic fur-bearing animals are
endangered or gone, select from choice skunk, rat, stray cat, cur, and for
a limited time only get a pair of warthog tusk earrings at full price.
When the vermin are gone we'll scalp slugskin, male dillo mail,
insectihide and all comers to Box B, Bucksville.
1-26
Always getting ready to live but never really living? Is your
life in the slow lane? Are you asleep at the wheel of karma? When you end
up in the ditch needing help you will find opportunities to help others
out and back onto the spiritual two-lane blacktop of Life. It's when we
are stuck along the way that we are most likely to help or get help, and
have Near Life Experiences, and know how not to get stuck for 50 Bucks to
Box B, Bucksville.
2-2
NOTICE: Altruists. Want to do something truly good thing in this
world? Support the culturally starved children of Bucksville. Your $50
donation can feed a yuppie starvling for 30 minutes or buy literacy
tutoring for an hour and a sushi bagel. Help now, help often, help get 50
bucks to Box B, Bucksville.
2/23
FORSALE: Local writer has thousands of rejection notices
plastered on interior walls will trade for early baseball cards with the
gum. Also got 7,000+ matchbooks from greater megalopolis bordellos and
lounges will trade for gross of autographed James Bond underwater butane
lighters. With any luck, Box B will be introduced in torn paperback
yardsale edition, so long as Books B, Bucksville.
3/2
AMUSE YOUR CAR. Detroit Psychic Lays on Wrenches, has wit shield
wipers, joker cables, giggle switches and tickle chargers. Car-ismatic
healing and auto-matic billing insures that you'll pay as you go, so ride
your ride to the Quantum Mechanic next door to Box B, Bucksville.
3-9
FEEL SMALL? Downtrodden? Are THEY out to get you? Have you had it
with THEIR attempts to keep you down? Get even! Be part of the greatest
class action suit in history - join "The PEOPLE versus THEM." THEY don't
have a chance because WE THE PEOPLE will begin to think for ourselves, if
THEY let us. Whoa! Gotta go! The Beverly Hillbillies are on TV, so'll
write later Box B, Bucksville.
3-16
HUH? Economic experts at the U of Biz predict that the price of
gasoline will not change much in the next few months and encourage
consumers to buy the automobile of their dreams - big engines, all the
extras, rolling sound machines with leather seats and 300 horsepower
mirror drives. You owe it to yourself to test aim the Megauto 4 Door
Family Dragster and urban assault vehicle, now crushing the bike lane in
front of Average Motors in the Bucksville Plaza.
3-30
WORKERS, if your uniform is soiled you may be an embarrassment to the
Almighty State, so get in line where the unwashed masses find unmatched
washes at Linen's Laundry, next door to Wal-Marx and *way* down the
street from Box B, Bucksville.
4-6
Yo, Youth! Tired of yearning a living? Yelp, yodel, yammer, yap,
yowl or yuk your weariness of the work-a-day yuga. Yield to the yummy
yonder no more. Yoke your yen to the Universe. Choose Life! Yo Yoga at Yug
B, Bucksville.
4-20
Is your sink full, the reefer empty, the kitchen on fire, or for
any reason are you looking for a semi-fine dining experience? Check out
Piece Lynx New Wage Sausage made from those lucky beasts who achieved
enlightenment through asphalt meditations and other cosmic road kill
connections. In the Politically Incorrect freezer section at CryoBox B,
Bucksville.
4-27
ETERNAL BLISS! Interested in the reasons why Box B, Bucksville
has not been knighted by the Queen, received the Nobel Prize, been
nominated for a Pulitzer Prize or a National Book Award? So are we, since
this column promises the reader freedom from money. For bliss send 50
bucks, for eternal bliss send 5000 bucks to Box B, Bucksville.
5-11
BE A SPICY WRITER and increase my prosperity with your fancy
handwritten check and scent all donations to deducktable. To the bread and
gravy of dispatch we are the wish to serve sauce on the cutlet edge of
Journalism B Bucksville.
5-18
CITIZENS in Bucksville are rumored, then removed. There are only
*consumers* in Bucksville. If you are one of those Democratic-like weirdos
who thinks you have enough intelligence to actually vote for the candidate
of my choice, think again -- you might end up on jury duty, another waste
of your precious TV and shopping time. Be brave, Consumer Cane, and
defend your right and freedom to shop at either Wal-Marx, The Shipping
Channel, or Box B, Bucksville.
6/25
Dear Consumers, I wish for courage to speak to your face and
apologize if my worts offend in any whey, and the udderstanding to yogurt
for all icon milk. Breathing dairy air, cows lack toes. Excuse me while I
cart on these cream encrusted Botels B, Bossyille.
6/15
WARRANTY INFO. The Rickety Ass Tool Company reminds you that when
your Rickety Ass Tool and the lowdown limited warranty is shot that we are
proud you buy our tools because it demonstrates that American consumers
really have brass - but not nearly so much as the manufacturers and
distributors. Remember, If it's a Rickety Ass Tool it's yours, not Box B,
Bucksvilles.
6/22
Tired of the same ol' breakfast of TheoteO's, Feed Chips,
HolyO's, and other expensive high filler grain fibers? Pour a different
animal in your favorite bowl - CoyoteO's, Breakfast of Heyoka. Brewed and
formed from the middle of mirror-image cellulose sources, CoyoteO's will
surprise you with their subversatility and lightheady humor. We eat them
with a spoon in each hand because when we pour milk on them we don't know
what might happen. Ask for CoyoteO's at Heimlich's Cafe, next door to Box
B, Bucksville.
7/7
Duck Tape may not reliably hold your farm together, so check our
new selection of Chicken Tape, Turkey Tape, Hog Tape, Cow Tape, Dog Tape,
Cat Tape, Goat Tape, Worm Tape, Slug Tape and Rat Tape at Menagerie of
Farm and Domestic Adhesives, Box B, Bucksville.
8/3
Attorneys representing Children of the Earth, red and yellow,
black and white, who are precious in His sight, will issue a restraining
order if adults don't heretofore provide a healthy environment for future
generations. Responding to class action suing the adult world for
destruction of our planet's air, soil and water, attorneys for the Solarge
Corporation say, "Shove it. Go shopping. Solarge Mall or Box B,
Bucksville."
8/10
FOR SALE: Mail Order Diplomas. If the stress of college sucks
your energy, or just sucks, and you need some BS for your resume, the Box
B Diploma Mill will crank out titles to the degree you crank out money.
The more you pay the smarter you look at Box B, Bucksville.
8/17
Motor Psychic offers major appliance regressions. Maybe your
computer doesn't work well because in a previous life it was a metal
toilet in a nuclear sub. If your car is a lemon maybe it was a fruit fly
in a former incarnation. And what about the marbles you gave the kid for
his birthday? They could be someone's brains! Lucky Looky can help, if you
can send 50 bucks to Box B, Bucksville.
8/24
SHOPPERS Inconvenience Store for Reebucks, Chocolate Tooth Wands,
New Antiques by Chronoclast, Pseudo Lac Chemical Formula, clear plastic
arm bands to protest bureaucratic waste, and godzillion other products
periodically moved by forklift and wheeled associates under one 17 acre
roof. Perpetual Parking next door to PonderMat One-hour Brainwash and
Lube, Mobius Strip Mall, Bucksville.
8/31
FOR RENT: Luxury one-bedroom mobile sublets between auto body
shop and paint booth. If you don't fear a Night of the Living Bondo,
Attack of the Killer Bondo, Bondo the 13th or the Texas Bondo Massacre,
contact Mondo Bondo agent Count Bondola, Bondo on Elm Street, for
luxutility living at Glovebox B, Bucksville.
9/7
MoroNet, Fool on Wire, announces abuser groups: earthy TerraNet,
cross-dressing DragNet, Higher ConsciousNet, high compression EngiNet,
disgusting RepugNet, sexy NymphoNet, and hands off No No NanNet. Requires
diesel modem. NewtNet will post an original message at your email address
unless you send 50 bucks to boxb@bucksville.
9/21
MOON FORCE! Three decades ago I had a vision of the Moon crashing
into the Earth. My powerful Meditative Effort Fighting IRreparable Slam
Trauma (MEFIRST) has protected your life and Property for 30 years, but
I'm getting bored, and if you want continued protection send 50 bucks to
Luna Sea Free, Box B, Bucksville.
10/5 FANS: Having trouble with the same ol' game of Consumer Sports, Freight Damaged Sports, Adrenal Sports, Jockey Sports and PsychoSports? Exercise your mind with wordthwhile ProseSports. You're only as good as the man you script, so right 50 Bucks to Box B, Bucksville.
10/12
Need more mowers, or a mower with more? Les Moore has more mowers, and
the Les Moore Mower with more for less. More or less, you'll find more
mowers for less at Les Moore's Mowers next door to the Les Moore Mower
floor near Box B, Bucksville.
11/9
SEEKERS: Looking for pale Light in all the wrong places? Looking
for one Don Juan the Dawn One and bumping into Donna Wanna who's lookin to
find Don's wand? Choose to be a FINDER. When you've found Finder's Keep
you'll no longer seek to find the Keep. Between the earth and sky, we seek
to find your 50 bucks at B Keeps, Bucksville.
11/16
WANNA PLAY GOD? Why should only the pharmaceutical and chemical
companies make all the money from genetic engineering when you too can get
into this lunacrative craze? You can create your own patentable anomolies
for fun and profit. You can synthesize domestic help, childcare, pets,
plants that feed themselves and do homework for the kids, and spouses that
can't talk back. If you like the idea of being creatively re-creative send
50 non-mutantable bucks to Box B, Bucksville.
11/30
ATTN: WANNA Bs! Wanna B able to comprehend Box B? If you aren't
content with your intellectualization of the content of Box B read The
Incomplete Idiot's Guide to Buck Banter. You know that knowledge follows
money, so for user's manual and one easy lesson, and before the price of
understanding goes up, send 50 Bucks to Box B, Bucksville.
12/7
RODENTS: Three visually impaired mice needed for clock movement studies.
Capable climbers
qualify for hands on employment. Guaranteed easy job with no injuries.
Contact Hickory Dickory Clock Works next door to Clox B, Bucksville.
GOOD USED BUCKETS. If you are not real particular about the condition of the bucket you kick consider Lucky Chucket's Good Used Buckets. From once-kicked to bucket-like, platinum to paper, you can afford to have one in every room and car. Making your choices while you are still alive, we are Bucket O, Bucksville.
HURRYER FOR HIRE: Got lots of shopping left and not enough time? I've got time, and I'll rush around and do your hurrying for you. Sure, I don't know where you're going or why either, but isn't it fun? Don't we feel like we are busy, busy, busy? I'll get back to you as soon as I can if you hurry up and call Pager B, Bucksville.
Target Semaphore Sales has ice reversal kits, liquid work, rat diapers, clock erasers, book painters, shovel staples, radio mirrors, computer anchors, and a pencil repair & service department. Come buy now for NEW giant 2 by 3 inch black & white Color TV! This decade only at Box B, Bucksville.
INCOME AT TAX time is not confusing, so if you don't wait until tax time to attack your income tax, then you suffer less from Income attacks. For untrained professional-like assistance with tax-like matters, contact Income Attax, Time B, Bucksville.
WANT TO ATTRACT investors interested in oceanside resorts. I am Sunny Ray and I own sunny beaches that add up to franchisable condos, country clubs and restaurants under my name. If you got some bucks to resort to, send them to Sum Sunny Beachs at Bucksville, Box B.