9-22-94
FAITHISTS: Whether you profess Budism, Bubbaism, Confusionism,
Criscoanity, Mohumorism, Hendudeism, Chowism, Hey Judeism, or Branch Da
Videoism, Enlightenmart offers pre-packaged prayers, low-fat gurus, funda
mints, Bibles, bangles & beads, shrink-wrapped wisdom, savory saviors,
fresh and frozen ready to eat sacrifices, good used karmas, lost finders,
and a godzillion other phrenomorphic adventures to help your assend to
Heaven. If you are looking for enlightenment, Enlightenmart discounts
consciousness. Enter through the Church of Immaculate Imperfection next
door to Box B, Bucksville.
9-30
SAVE MONEY on everday producks. Not all products are sold equal,
as some are less equal than others. Whether you buy for price, pride, or
because you can, consume the brand America consumes: NAME BRAND X.
High-consumption NAME BRAND X products are available at X-Mart who
doesn't want you to know that if you don't need it, it doesn't matter what
store you don't buy it from. Remember X-Mart's the Spot, next door to Box
B, Bucksville.
10-6
GUBMENT SLURPUS SALE: Sheetrock shortjohns; Fiberglas-lined
sheetmetal trench pajamas; Carbon tet towelettes; toilet quality facial
tissue; 440 volt forehead-mount flashrods; Tapered meat wads; Weedbran
swill rations; Ammo suppositories; Rat-hair toothbrushes; Gritless
nostril lube; sandpaper kits; sub-particle board; tunnel paint; Plutonium
bongs used in '50s experiments on aliens, and mush more. For catalog
sinned your address and 50 Bucks three times to Bureau B, Bucksville.
10-13
PARTY POOPED? Stressed and laughlorn? If your guffaw is
transcendentally challenged, please don't hurt yourself before I get a
chance to help you. If you don't think our problems are ludicrous (I
already do), or if you have difficulty finding reasons to goof off (I
already don't), try one of the best fixes around - pay me gobs of money
and I'll rewire your silly circuits. Okay? So to make you laugh my rates
are 50 bucks for the first and last minutes, 50 bucks for each additional
minute not subtractable from all minutes remaining, for a minimum of 50
minutes with no agreeable maximum, plus lunch and libations, whichever
come first, whereupon all parties are laughable and required to send 50
bucks anyway to Box B, Bucksville.
10-20
FINANCIAL INSULTANT: If you have a whole bunch of money and are
not sure where to invest, for only 500 bucks I will tell you how you
wasted your money hiring expensive consultants. We could have flown to
Cozumel and had several days of fun and great food for the same amount of
money. If you are tired of slick salesmen telling you how smart they are
to take your money, and you want the terrible truth, bring a bucket o'
bucks for the Financial Insultant at Box B, Bucksville.
11-3
The Bucksville Accountant reports that the following businesses
have not paid for their advertising: Chip Peels Paint and Wallpaper --
Athletic Supporter & Fundraiser Jacques Strappe -- Baba Bean Doss, Freeholi
Man -- Hiemlich's Cafe, Where you're lucky if you only have to cough up a
nickel -- Weapons Contractor Venus deMilo Arms -- Pete Diggers, Moss
Excavator -- Super Salesman Gougo Marks -- Sufi Sales Tai Cheap -- The
Druidic Pagan Agnostic Secular Humanist Socialistic Atheists for Christ
Bake Sale -- The Communist Youth Liberation Front Daycare and Orthodox
Goat Exchange -- and the First Free Will Southern Gospel Marxist Muhammedan
Nude Car Wash Synagogue. If you don't want to see your business listed
here send $50 to Box B, Bucksville.
11-10
NOTICE: Lost on the job? Looked all day and can't find your keys
with both hands? Need to vacate your cranial cavity and got no idea where
maybe? Don't give up, give up money and Bubba Hairy Boss Hog's Freedom
Pills will let you take your trip and you don't even have to leave the
farm. Former free info send 50 bucks to Box B, Bucksville.
11-17
SHELF HELP. If shelp support for your best shelf exam lacks
shelf motivation, or if you are shelf possessed with shelf abuse and
overloaded with shelfbooks, it's not too late for shelf love. Rather than
shelf deNile, express yourshelf as shelf reliant rather than shelf
destructive and shelfish. For shelf enlightenment, shelf care, shelf
discipline and shelf gratification, pick yourshelf up, dust yourshelf off,
and know that I am sitting by myshelf and will be shelf improved by your
50 bucks to Shelf B, Bucksville.
11-24
THE OZARK NATURAL GUARD is being called up to suppress civil war
and food riots that are raging in Bucksville. Fortunately, the war is
being moved to Ft. Liquordale, so if you are a member of the Ozark Natural
Guard bring your birthday suit and a towel. The US Gubment is funding
this action to the tune of 100 million bucks, so sign up now for a
beertiful war on the beach and a free dispoilable bottle of tanning
lotion. Ask for ticket list at Box B, Bucksville.