1-8-93
NEED A NEW CAR? Hell Motors announces several sexy new models
that will discharge Farfromnookie, the inconsummate driving experience:
The Toyotem - Drive in the Pole Position. The Christler Lay Barren -
Nothing stands in its way. Judas's Chariot - Only 30 pieces of silver
down. This month's special: Motor from Hell in a Handbasket - 800
horsepower all wicker bingo hall racer. Most cars come with autophone
switchboard and inflatable secretary, or car phoney with simulated
antenna-like wire. No Credit for Clunkers, we give you credit for having
big bucks. Some last at Hell Motors in the Solarge Plaza, Bucksville.
1-28
Solarge Corporation Lobbyists have paid your Congressmoids to
pass new laws that limit damages to Corporations to 50 Bucks when sued.
This is important because consumers are careless and hurt themselves, and
the utilitities and fine companies that design, produce and distribute the
billions of appliances, toys, tools, cars, etc. that you need and use
every day shouldn't be burdened with consumer incompetence and complaints.
Until you can pay your Congressmoid more Moolah than we can, sit down and
watch TV or look at a magazine and all the advertised stuff you crave and
need. You need us, and the Solarge Corporation needs Box B, Bucksville.
2-4
THE SOLARGE SEAPORT Corporation of NW Arkansas reminds all boaters
that humans really don't like dangerous motorized flight and we do it
because we are impatient and in a hurry. Computers and satellites now
allow us fast telecommunication from home or office and negates the need
for air travel. Remember, you can't ski behind an airship, you can't dive
or barf over the side, there are no pools and hot tubs, you can't stand on
the wing to enjoy the view, and if it quits working it will not float. It
will fall out of the sky and all souls aboard will be lost. Hopefully it
will not crash into your new NWA Regional Seaport or Box B, Bucksville.
2-26
The Solarge Corporation, in association with your local, state
and federal government, denounces Global Prayer Brunch to appear to
support separation of Church and state. We know, however, that the
religion of the next century will be Money (St. Lucrefor will be its
savior/martyr), so we support the integration of Money and state. In
celebration, the high priests of hi-tech corporate bureaucracy announce
Global Preyer Feast to feed on the pecunial habits of consumers and
taxpayers worldwide. You are already worshipping at the Church of
Commerce (C of C), so why not become an official member? 50 bucks is
Heaven at Box B, Bucksville.
3-16
The Lemming Travel Agency in the Solarge Tower invites you to
take the Disaster Vacation of Your Lifetime. Through November you may
choose from Burning Hi-Rise Tower Bungy Jumping, Titanic Float Trips, 747
Jetglider Rides, the Casey Jones Memorial Train Surprise, the Donner Pass
Picnic (bring your friends for dinner), the Captain Ahab Whaleride, Roman
(very) Hot Baths in Pompeii, Guiana Jungle Kool-Aid Tastings, and Go
Cartel Bullet Rides in Bogota. As we discover more we'll let you know.
Convenient one-way fares mean lower cost vacations! Tickets and prayer
books available at Box B, Bucksville.
7-30
MEN! Are you tired of the same ol' breakfast of pig parts,
cornflukes and non-coagulated bovine lipoids? Is your lunchbox crowded
with babylony sanwitches, eatchareetos, muckamole and feed chips? Do you
have trouble reading the tiny print of your Solid Waist Cookbook in
attempts to prepare exotic bilinguini dinners with beer coolers? Simplify
your life with Farina Dude Chow, all purpose grub in Cheesy Chunk and Pork
`N Brew flavors. Dude Chow is fat fortified and cheap. Any time of day you
dump some in a bowl, pour on your favorite beer, stir and eat. In 50 pound
bags, or buy the dump truck full from the Chow Dude at Box B, Bucksville.
8-6
The Impartialistic Health Center announces aura fluffing, egg amulets,
slam yoga, and a seminar on The Power of Positive Indecision. We also do
Curlingiron Photography with equipment that let's us see the auras around
your car phone and hair dryer. We have acquired several hundred pounds of
Stellar Tea, a delicious nighttime drink that will change your chemistry
and your sense of time when mixed with a little Milky Way - just brew in
jars under the stars. And we recommend the Cosmopolitan Grape Diet. You
will eat raisins for breakfast, grapes for brunch, drink wine for lunch,
and swell up for dinner. If you don't lose weight you won't care. If you
do, a Brontorobics class is forming to help get rid of those prehistoric
deposits of fat. You'll be able to Dyna Soar, and we'll be able to
justify asking 50 bucks for more information at Box B, Bucksville.
8-12
TOO OLD TO FLY? Need get to Charter Bistro in Tucson? MercyBuck
Hospital on the New Gurnsey Turnpike is now connected via Gurn 66 to
Gurneywood, CA so the Little Ol' Gurney from Pasadena won't need an air
ambulance. The 3,000 mile long TransGurn Expressway is clean, has a
nurse's station with coffee every 300 feet, and coast to coast cable TV
reruns of Gurn 54 Where Are You, I Gurned Lucy, Gurnsmoke, Gurnanza,
Gurnside, and movies, i.e. Swiss Gurney Robinson, Gurn Busters, Little Big
Gurn, Gurney On a Hot Tin Roof, Gurndhi, Gurn with the Wind, The Gurns of
Navarone, Robogurn, Rosemary's Gurney, and Gurney to the Center of the
Earth. For your own Funtastic Voyage on an Incredible Gurney, write Dr.
Payus Wellby, Gurney B, Bucksville.
8-17
TOUGH ADS: Chip Peels, Paint and Wallpaper
Jacques Strappe, Athletic Supporter & Fundraiser
Baba Bean Doss, Freeholi Man
Hiemlich's Cafe, Where you're lucky if you only have to cough up a
nickel
Venus deMilo Arms, Weapons Contractor
Pete Diggers, Moss Excavator
Gougo Marks, Super Sales
Druidic Pagan Agnostic Secular Humanist Socialistic Atheists for Christ
Bake Sale
The Communist Youth Liberation Front Daycare and Small Animal Exchange
First Free Will Southern Gospel Marxist Orthodox Muhammedan Synagogue Car
Wash. If you don't want to see your business listed here send $50 to Box
B, Bucksville.
9-10
Is your birthreich to privacy being invaded by liberals not out
in reich field? Do you wish to further impose reichs and privileges of
your Bill of Reichs on the unchosen? If you are reichminded, reichhanded,
are forthreich and walk the reich way, and want to force others to learn
to read and reich, and know reich from wrong, now is the reich time to
turn reich, to send 50 reichbucks to the Reich Reverend of the Religious
Reich, Box B, Bucksville.
10-15
FOR SALE: PROBLEMS. Have 44-year collection of private and
public humiliation will sell to responsible fools, lost lovers, wealthy
widowers, wanton woosies, any/all comers. If you can handle being a dump
station for a hot bellied matchoma'am please drum Damsel in Distrust, Box
B-I, Bucksville.