1/17/92
HUMOR CONSULTANT for hire. Are you laughlorn? Is the only rib
you can take barbequed? I am now taking appointments for $5,000 cash that
I guarantee will make me laugh all the way to the bank, after which I will
call to tell you how fun it is to enjoy expensive meals and champagne at
your expense. If you don't find that humorous I will recommend you to
someone else for only half price. Pay the Consultant Consultant at Box B,
Bucksville.
1/31
FUN RAISER and Annual Going Out of Business Sale to be held 6th
Thursday of February. We are load baring to the walls and getting rid of
discard table. Pull the rug from under our feet with supper deals on solid
waist cookbooks. Invest in cheap durable goods before they are being made
in Japan. New antiques are not antique news. Music provided by DisBand
(their last performance) but bring your own refreshments. Remember, huge
reductions in expectations means a happier deal for you. Come on buy
Warebox B, Bucksville.
2/14
FREE SAMPLES! Hot news on the Mart wall is that consumer Simon
Samples was caught empty handed and has been arrested by credit officers
for failure to shop, resisting arrears, and leaving the scene of a sale.
Due to the severity of his frugality he goes immediately to trial in the
Corporate Court without appeal, from which he will be turned over to the
Department of Collections where he is expected to receive the debt
penalty, but will surely end up rehabituated to commercial advertisement
and Blue Light Specials until he is reStored. Protect the right to not
buy, by God. Send $50 to Free Samples, c/o Box B, Bucksville.
2/21
FOR SALE: Federal regulation suspenders. Dress up your felonious
vestments, improve your corporate misdemeanor, and remove the encumberbund
from your toxic waist. Guaranteed to relieve recession and prorogue
responsibilities. Make your faschionism statement by emptying your
Bureaus and donning your Laissez Faire labels. No size fits all. Reserve
50 million Federal Units for Dropped Drawer B, Bucksville.
3/20
REPENT! The end is beer! Beerageddon is at hand and on tap. The
bottle of the millenium will engage the six pack of the hopocalypse and
it's alefire and brewstove for the imBibless or more. In the beginning was
the wort and the last word is Zymurgy. As Allen said, "Religions change,
beer and wine remain." Bung not the apocalips, yeast ye be jugged. To
ferment the changes in our times, tap the Broker with 50 Bocks B,
Buckswille.
3/27
The Solarge Corporation, rightful owners and controllers of the
sun's energy since 1986, and the world's grain, oil and mineral supply
since 1988, has purchased Earth's atmosphere and water in a leveraged
buyout that leaves all plants and creatures dependent on the Solarge
Corporation for non-bottled breathing gasses and something to drink.
Failure to pay your Air, Sunlight and Sea bill will increase the amount
delivered, thereby increasing what you owe, plus interest! Leaping this
year to make Earth the happiest planet on this side of the galaxy, we are
collecting Boxes of BBucksville.
4/24
Are you perplexed by the fact that the Federal Reserve is
neither, and having a hard time keeping up with the money going down?
Bucksville Bank and Bank this week announces reconstitution of the source
of wealth to a 16 ton stone donut lodged in the drive way at the company
store. If you need to borrow for bonds or bails, the invaluable object of
adoration and inestimable moolah is now available. Come get a piece of the
rock any time. We'll be here making money till it's gone at BBank, Box B,
Buckville.
5-22-92
The Solarge Company, happy owners of the Energy of the Sun of
God, announces the formation of the Northwest Arkansas Regional Seaport
Authority. Construction will begin immediately at the corner of Dicksin
and Weste Streets across from Walm-Art and terminate at the Gulf of
Mexico. There is no reason why the coast should have all the good
deep-water ports and if we don't build it someone else will. Think of all
the high-paying jobs, increased commerce and prices, crime control, higher
tax basis, busiest streets, job producing pollution, etc. Everyone will be
able to buy a new boat and a chemical plant! Sorry but the uninformed
public won't be allowed to vote on this one because we have our
pofessional congressmen passing laws that negate Democracy, ha, ha! If you
don't want your sunlight turned off pay your Solar Bills at Box B,
Bucksville.
6/5
The Bye-Bye By-Products Division of the Buckston Chemical
Corpseration is pleased to offer the services of its new subsidiary,
Chemolawn. Now you can uproot your turf of malignant vegetative
disfigurement and your body of multiple malific mitoses in one queasy
treatment. Happy hormoners will delight in our noncology program of
applied die toxins guaranteed to eliminate even crab (cancer) grasses and
the healing herb besides. Not only do we "kill two birds with one stone
(granule)," we kill tumor! Pay no heed to the rancorous calumniations of
the hysterresticals regarding disastro-turf and lettuce spray, we give the
sod a mighty treatment. To further get information, pay heed with larger
bills to the cheaper way at Box B, Bucksville. Let us spray.
6-19
PASSED DOO NOTICE: Any umbrageous or scudy weather lately? The
Solarge Corporation will no longer tolerate the federal g-ment's refusal
to develop solar power simply because they don't want to pay our due. It
is hereby announced that we will, with regularity, obscure the sun over
the Northern Hemisphere and cloud the issue, except in matters of
ownership. Do your duty, send your booty to Shed B, Heavy Doodyville.
Remember, if you use the sun you can't be un dun or a no due dude.
6/26
The happy folk at the Solarge Corporation, purveyors of the 180
Holiday Year, announce International Second Century, 100 years of global
celebration of the last half second of this century and the first half
second of the next century. Watch for Half Baked Sale of Eggless Quiche,
Salt Cookies, Frog Fingers, Pineapple Down Side Up Cake and Chicken
Monoxide to raise money to finance the establishment of American Month
Week, Intercontinental Day Year, National Minute Decade, and Lunar
Millennium Nanosecond. Ask for more information anytime but a holiday.
Good luck. Box B, Bucksville.
8/21
Are you desperate to "get a life"? Are you always getting ready
to live but never living? Is life a bitch and then you die? Then you need
to enliven our seminar, Near Life Experiences, where we lift the veils and
explore the mysteries of that shadowy realm called Life. Learn the
secrets of the here-laughter, explore proper despairity consciousness,
probe the depths of heaven and the heights of hell, and cleave the chord
of ways to love your leaver. The best things in life are free, and the
next zest things, the Near Life Experiences, are only 50 bucks at Bio
Buckswheal.
9-17-92
The Bucksville Shamber of Commerce endorses its own candidates
in the November election who stand to gain short-term profits on shady
acre deals. We live in Brown Briar, Bulgemont, Bulkdale, Chumpions,
Deadwood, Dozer Flats, Estates of Mine, Fareview, Green Grate, Gross Bank,
Grubsteak, Hogity Town, Idyll Acres, Oakburn, Pine Forced, Quayle Run,
Rotundra, Scraped Acres, Subterranean Heights, Superbia, Timberdyne, and
Tobacco Boulevard in our excluded homesites. We support lots of parking,
recreantation, paving, bulky homes of dystinction, pavement, family values
(golf), parking lots, and if you want to get elected to any office you
better live here too. Stay information at our corpulent headquarters at
Box B, Bucksville.
10-8
Sense you are incapable of knowing that you are noing your gnoing
and metastasizing your mutifluent mentation, and since we recognize your
lack of cognition, our suspension of your suspicion is your tuition for
our confirmation of your intuition. Without a doubt, our firm will firmly
affirm your infirm oration. The customer is always right to send 50 bucks
to Doubtbusters, Box B, Bucksville.
10-15
LEISURE TIME FOR SALE: Are you working more now and enjoying it
less? Does your income minus outgo equal whatfor? Is your nose to the
grindstone because your ears hear the lips of those who kiss the Blarney
Stone? If you have more money than you have time, you want to make do,
not dough, you lean to wean your scene of the mean green lien, and you
want to stop hammering your head against life and debt and are ready to
enrich your time on our account, send your sinuses to Sonora, your job to
Shovit, your mind and asteroid, and your wallet to vacation at Box B,
Bucksville.
10-22-92
APOCALYPSE SOON! Your final days are upon you and His Profits
are tenderly, tenderly calling you Home. When you abandon your abode with
a band on your own, forswear to forsake but forebear foreclosure. Foresee
forteiture's fortune and forego the forlorn folly of feigned phantasm.
While you are out committing rapture, APOCALIPSERVICE NOW! will air your
heirlooms, bathe your bank account, clean your clock, dip your deities,
launder your larder and vacuum your vault. Your home will be clean for His
return and yours. Discounts to ChurchBank members, not to Box B,
Bucksville.
10-29
LOSING MONEY? Profits too low? You can afford Corporate Income
Insurance to protect from bothersome and expensive competition, imports,
product liability, hostile takeovers, government regulation, bankruptcy,
employee illness, injury, pregnancy, family leave, and best of all, Pagan
Saturday and Monotheistic Sunday. Find out how much money you lose because
your lazy-assed employees worship Golf and god every weekend and you will
call your Blessed Assurance Insurance Insurance Agent for an appointment.
We put policy in front of people at Box B, Bucksville.
11-13
In the event you require hospitalization and want to keep up
with your soaps, saviors and savings on modern monitors, or if you are
baptising your firstborn and want to set up a trust fund and arrange for
organ donations, or if you and your investment priest are watching the
value of your stock fibrillate and you have a heart attack and need to
have your chest or safe cracked before last rights, we demand you check in
before you check out. We offer Grace periods for cash infusions, divine
buckectomies, or to deliver. Regardless of your cult, the race of your
money or the color of your medicine, your soul, your purse and your organs
are holy at MercyBuck Medical ChurchBank, a non-prophet
poly-denominational ataxia-freed pecumenical pandemoneyum. Worship at the
bank of our choice in the Solarge Plaza, Bucksville.
11/27
FOR SALE: Upused videocrams and broadcrasting equipment formerly
operated at Bucksville city hall. Due to emotional outbursts by
politicked-off antiestablishment naysaying performists, the
antidisestablishment mayor of Bucksville hereby purges the governed from
government and offers for sale the spoils of
ultramegathermohydroloessilicoprotic myopia. Worthy of surveillance, all
items will go to the highest bidder where they can be placed out of the
way of "business as usual. There is one faction in Bucksville that Ah
don't know that anybody would be able to relate to, and they are
anti-establishment. Ah would just like to invite those people to sit back
and enjoy the next two years because Ah amm allll forrrr theeee
esstabblishment." Pecunial inquiries ownly, putt yo money on
Establishment B, Bucksville.
Too weak 2-B? Box B, UC, Knows no equal. However, 2 those who wish 2-B, Box Tub-B is awash with adwise, which recommends, of course, our coarse of recourse, "Box B Here Now." Explore the reams of verbal dementia, learn the subtle nuances of nubile nonsentia, and probe the possibilities of puerile polysemyntia to write right Box B. Write Box B Wright (still only 50 bucks), Box B, Bucksville.
12-11
Are your holidaze hollow days, or do you pass over Solstice
solo? Oh come, all ye fundfull, to the Temptle of Commercy and check The
Malls with vows of folly. Bring a friendzy and some kids to see the Dance
of the Honky Plum Fairy, Ripoff the Red Tape Reindeer, and the Little
Mall of Bethlehem where Shopherds fleece their flocks by night. Enjoy
Christ Mass marketing where it came upon a midnight Clearance Sale.
Mallinger for daily Mallfunctions to help you get Malladjusted to the free
Gift Rap. Avoid unholy costs, sing Joy to The Mall content to shop Chapel
of The Mall where Yule Savior Bucks. Tis the season to B, Bucksville.