Box B, Bucksville Archive 1990

1/12
STARBORED in '90? UpStar the Unpredictable is Starboard to predict: there will be driveaway inflation in 1990; the Bureau of Treasury-like Bureaus will introduce Miss Leading Economic Indicators who will appear nude at your official corporate function to gesticulate about the state of the economy; the arms race will continue as a counterfeit curtain is erected between the haves and the have-nots; billions of tons of America's topsoil will wash through the hands of corporate owners; the status quo will become more predictable as the mineral and agricultural bases of real wealth flakes out; and millions of otherwise normal persons will send 50 Bucks to Box B, Bucksville.

Dear Sheep! The Idiot Consumer's Guide to Buck Banter. Learn how to speak as if you understand Box B. Remember, knowledge is only valuable where valuable money is exchanged. For user's manual and 1 easy lesson, send 50 bucks in gold, silver, platinum, etc. to Box B before the price of understanding goes up!

1/19
Christian Gun Runners International and the saber-toothed Uncle Sam say Happy Holidays and thanks for the $4.5 million a day humanitarian aid for non-lethal guns and bullets and other weapons of liberty for the Freedom Fighters who impose democracy at gun point on those peasants fortunate enough not to be in the line of rapidfire machine gun peace dispensers. We intend to send camo miters and vestment to Nicaraguan priests, so don't tell US we aren't doing the megacorporate land owners and The Church some good in Central America. May your daze be Mary and blight and may all your coups turn out all right.

The Solarge Corporation announces friendly leveraged buyout of the United States Bureaucracy and the establishment of corporate headquarters in a soon to be vacant pentagonally shaped office building in Arlington, Virginia, for the tidy sum of $50 trillion. This represents a lot of borrowed junk bonds so please invest heavily in the market, insurance company, bank or pension plan of your choice. Any corporations wishing to buy particular agencies or bureacracies are respectfully requested to wait six months. Do not request the treasury, since it is ours, the Federal Reserve, since it is already privately owned, or the military, because we need it as a tax write-off. The Solarge Corporation is owner and controller of the world's solar energy and collection agency for Box B, Bucksville.

1/26
The Solarge Corporation is wholey happy to announce that it has purchased and incorporated the near heavens and attendant angels and has negotiated contracts with the major gods for control of the world's religions, henceforth known as Church Corporation, which offers all popular icons, books, beliefs, services and collection personnel to complement the American worship style. Remember, you're not okay without cash, and you're just no good without God, and regardless of your religious upbringing you will find articles of faith you can afford at Chruch Corporation, headquartered at St. Paul's Mall, a for-profit incorporation of heaven and Earth, and a subsidiary of God, Incorporated, a subsidiary of the Solarge Corporation and collection agency for Box B, Bucksville who sells it like it is.

Major brains at the Institute for Future Intra-Urban Affairs today announce the culmination of 7 years of thought in one of the world's most mysterious and unknown think tanks. The guy with the most pens in his shirt pocket agreed to a short interview. To all our questions he replied, "Will it help us grow corn?" We are led to believe that another announcement is forthcoming, so watch this ad column, different time, same Box B.

2/2
The Bucksville DisMall announces Savior's After Birth Sale in honor of His yearly day of honor and prophet. Bring your battery-free chalkulator and figure savings on High-Speed Pinhole Cameras and attachments, Home Food Irradiators and refrigerator radwaste containers, Soil Lent Brown recipes, Hairless Luggage by Delilahmite, and a dozen other bargains. At lunch time enjoy Heimlich's Cafe where we will cellulite beer and freeze-dried sandwiches. There's help to answer to, so cruise Mall Bell phone shopping center. Entertainment provided in the quad by the Kickass Academy. Let the Boxer B Ware, Bucksville.

WANTED: Good hand for job as high priest and head porker of local football cult. Must be willing to be broyled on local gridiron, be raked over the goals, and worship Jesus on the job. Must be able to crucify the totems of SWC schools, i.e., boff the Bears, cuff the Cougars, off the Owls, honk the Hornfrogs and blow off the Hurricanes. Most of all, must manage department money in such a way as to pay these kids enough to get them to lick the Longhorns. High salary, high stress, high reward, hi Mom. Send resume, religious affiliation and 50 bucks to Coach B, Bucksville.

2/9
Church Corps of Christ desires experienced Christian soldiers willing to pilgrimage to Lebanon to teach the warring Christians there a lesson in servility and merciless ballistics. Those guys over there are giving Christianity a bad name because they are feeling guilty for killing civilians. We provide the guns, bullets and Bibles, you direct the firepower. If you can correctionally kill for Jesus, contact Camo Christ at the Church Corporation of Buckvile.

PAY GUN, WILL TRAVEL. I subcontract hit squads, posses, crusades and/or pogroms to terminate your hated objectionaries and I promise to nail 'em at your command without any crossups. I prefer gold or real estate in exchange, so Savior Bucks. Discounts for silver. Contact: Christian Mercenary Jesus I. Joe at the Camobox X, Masville.

2/16
DEAR CANDY,
Some flowers are red,
The time has been spent
And the deadline is past
To get this to print
And I misplaced the card
And the rhyme
But not the sentiment
And the money and time
To say I Love You,
Box B Mine, Bucksville.

CONSUMERS: Are you tired of fishy sounding deals and the scales tipped against you? Have you been hassled one too many times by Captain Mnemo with his big words and obfuscatory jargon? If you have simple needs and simply want to harpoon some bargains without having to ride all over the North Atlantic, Big Deal Neal has no white whales of a deal on all items we ordered and think we have in the stock tank. Come sea Ahab and bring Moby Bucks to Box B, Bucksville.

2/23
Ballisto PAC, The High Calibre Corporation, has a large quantity of small and medium arms prepackaged, loaded and ready to ship to any group or government presently executing civil uprisings, border disputes or the neighbors. We are primed to your purposes and have spent million$ powdering your congressmoids to keep the flow of cannon and shot open, and billion$ inspiring the nations of the world to hate each other so they will want to buy weapons of peace. Remember, regardless of your political motives, our high-caliber products will shoot down any opposition. Ballisto PAC, a member of Gun Runners International, has no opposition because we pledge our allegiance to the Almighty Bucksville.

ATTN: INSURANCE PAYORS! Have you ever wondered why you would want to be the debtor to a bet that only pays off when you can no longer be the payee? Do you trust that the benefactees of your life insurance policy will even appreciate their benefactor? Your local insurance insurance agent will arrive this evening after supper to show you the benefits of Death Insurance, a plan which pays you while you live and stops when you die. Your tiny little $24,000.00 annual premium is due at the first of the year and pays you a fantastic $1,500.00 a month for as long as your dues are premium at the Blessed Assurance Insurance Insurance Casino of Bucksville in the Solarge Tower.

3/2
POWER PHONE LIFTERS: Demonopolized DumBell offers reregulated rates on short distance dialing services as well as heavy duty shop and gym phones. The DumBell phone weighs a little more than a ton, and the unpatented Noter Damned silent bell set, which weighs 2,000 pounds, signals silently by employing Einstein's Unified Field Theory. The QuasimoLow Frequency Electromagnetic lever system charges the bell coil with 70,000 DC volts and the phone rises gently from the floor. Bell circuit interrupt removes the charge and the phone returns to earth to create a mild earthquake to alert you to incoming calls. The handset weighs 45 pounds and will begin to put muscle on your arms with your very first call! Put one on your DumBell Phone bill today by dialing 555-I B BUCKS.

The 3rd Natural Bank of Bucksville and the Church of the AsHoly Brethren announce a joint effort to co-market a worship/spending plan. BBank will erect a chapel with Altermatic Teller Machines to kneel at. To facilitate Sunday collections, BuCkhurch will dispense with collection baskets and pass around the lightweight OfferTron 10,000 Altermatic Teller into which worshipers will insert their Jesus is Lord and Master Card. The OfferTron reads account balances and removes 10% to further the work of God and the system developers at Box B, Bucksville. Worship at BBank of your choice, now.

3/9
Tired of being just a nondescript citizen of a huge bureacratically controlled country where you have no clout? The Solarge Corporation, owner and controller of the world's solar energy and atmosphere, proposes purchase and control of all bureaus, and all citizens will become vice presidents of the world's largest employee-owned corporation. As an associate officer you will have a say in the decision making process that we propose you agree on. Since the Solarge Corporation has management perfected, we have plans for perfecting your government. This is not a Fascist idea, we call it Deregulation. For your brochure of vice presidential responsibilities and liabilities, send $50 to Box B, Bucksville.

The Religion of War recognizes no separation between church and state and denounces resistance to the Crusades for His Holy Father in Heaven to purge His world of dirty heathen Pagans and Commies. The Business of War recognizes no separation between state and church and encourages all young entrepreneurs to invest now in weapons of death for peace while the nations of the world still have a little money to invest. The War Religion is non-demoninational and non-nationalistic, as is the War Business, and all are encouraged to worship at the battlefield of your choice. This political message paid for by Gun Runners International, an equal opportunity deployer.

3/16
Average Motors introduces the 1990.205 heavy phaeton luxury fuel burner in four intimidating models. The Cruise Satyr low rider sound machine sports sadistic medieval reproductive decor and is heavily armored. The Titanic gets better mileage than the original, is slightly smaller, but sinks faster. The Get Bently is so heavy it will not get bent below 55 mph, and pity anything in its way. Top of the line is the Coupe de Grace touring carbine which gets 11 lives to the gallon. When you get superior 6-figure incomes make an appointment at Bucksville's Above Average Motors to test drive a petrolasaurus rex around the Solarge Plaza.

Honky Moo Frarority of fat bureaucats and Omigod Insalon NuKe (OINK) Frarority of apocalyptic capitalists will host a Republicat party and membership drive, microwave chicken part dinner, stage show of African leather fashions and diamond jewelry for the hungry, homeless and buckless of Bucksville, and beauty pageant to select this year's Miss Porcodite, Goddess of Hawg Love! All festivities held sixth Thursday of April. Be there or Box B, Squaresville.

3/23
Theopulent god of the Post-Roman Capitalists, surrounded by Theorgy of gold Theoffice furnishings, disclaims that religion is Theopiate of the masses, as above or below, and hereby renders Theobsolete any future rumors of Theoverload. Theomachine is working just fine, thanks to Theordinances passed recently by Theopathic Theotocrats, and Theorgans proclaim Theoverdose from Theorifice and the heavens rejoice. Theomen is, Theoppugn Theobese Theogre who resides in Theordure to Theossify forever, and if you are not Theorexic, stock up on Theoleo, the highest priced spread made from the oil of 100% virgins available at Theokeedokee Food Store next door to Theobox B, Bucksville.

The College of Want Advertising announces pledge weak for the sprung semester and encourages all geeks to get in line. This year we are giving away free condoms with every diploma when you graduate so that you may practice safe jobs when you get screwed by the corporations. If you fail to pay your 50 dollar tuition and fail the course, you may qualify to be an independent distributor of RubberDude Kitchen and Bath Excessories to help America's homemakers practice safe quiche. On campus or in the kitchen, we practice safe want ads at Box B, Bucksville.

3/30
ATTN FOOLS: 12 foolish things to do this April 1st. Send $50 to Box B, Bucksville for a list of the other 11. Satisfaction questioned. Know money back guaranteed.

The Solarge Corporation is conducting its first major national con-census by want ad in order to determine how many of you out there reading this column con-cent to buying all the groovy products advertised here. Use a sharp crayon. How many people in your house wear non-residential men's lingerie?___ How long did it take your dog to commute to the yard last week?___ Did any indoor pet look for a job in the last 4 weeks?___ How many rooms of your neighbor's house did you peek into last summer?___ Did you drive your car in the house during October?___ Is anyone living in your home who is not sure where he lives?___ How many children did you mortgage in 1989?___ Do you know your parents are of ethnic origin?___ Were you born before either of your parents?___ How many credit cards do you have?___ What are the names and numbers on them?___ How much did you owe in December?___ Do you have any mental defect that keeps you from sending $50 to Box B, Bucksville?___

4/6
DEBTORS! INSTANT CASH! Borrow against the value of your children's future wealth. You can expect your kids to earn upwards of a quarter million bucks each in their lifetimes, so collateralize them, borry some bucks, and live it up. They're going to have to pay for our fiduciary disease anyway. For instant cash, borrow against the value of your kid's vital organs! Fill out a couple dozen donor cards with you as the beneficiary, and keep our number near the phone, 555-GUTS. We're out spending our children's inheritance at MercyBuck Hospital and Pawn. Open 24 hours a day.

First there was Midnight Auto, now there's Felony Body Parts. You should try some morsels of adrenal gland. It's better than any drug and will blow the top of your head right off. No hearts refused, but what we want most is livers. If you want a cash advance on your viscera, MercyBuck Hospital Tranq and Bust loans against the value of your vitals. Remember, when you die, somebody wins. Call for MercyBuck Organ Mortgage rates, 555-LIVE. MercyBuck delivers away from Box B, Bucksville.

4/13
Movin too fast? You need to SLODE down. I SLODE down years ago and can teach you too. For example, your garden is a Single Layer Organic Dirt Energy, the sun is Sighkadelicately Luminous Organizationally Directed Entertainment, and we need to Simply Let Over Dose Escape. Groovy, huh? Next time you come over we'll watch a SLODE show of my trip to the ski SLODE. That'll SLODE you down. For appt, call BE SLODE in Bucksville.

NEED EXERCISE? Having trouble finding a program that causes no pain? No problem. Madam Butch will take your money and you will worry excess weight off in no time, or your worries back. Remember, our exercise motto is: NO PAIN, NO PROBLEM.

This Certificate of Insignificance is awarded to ______________ for outstanding ineptitude and the highest achievement of mediocrity on this Munday in the same ol' year of 1990.

4/20
The Bucksville Bigger Bureau Bureau announces a Supper Power Summit among all the world's great pecuniated diners who feed on the lower classes. If your paid government is not consumately consuming its consumers, please attend, for topics of disgustion will include the proper purchase of politicians, the marriage of marketing to masochism, and goosing gutterally gesticulating gubernatorial goslings. The evening's menu will feature Man and Nature served on a silver platter to the highest bidder. Security will be tight, and the future of Earth loose. All events staged next Day of the Global Glut in the Divided Nations room of the Solarge Plaza, Bucksville.

Bucksville Republicats! We are faced with a tough choice of either a biz/lawyer or a trooper/cop as our candidate for gubernator, and no one is certain which one has the better chance against the incumbent scholar/lawyer. We don't apologize for nasty campaigning because nastiness is the only way we know to deal with intelligence, other than money, the likes of which we could use several million dollars more of. Regardless of your choice of Republicats, please send 50 bucks to finance the Party at Box B, Bucksville.

4/27
ARE YOU TWO BUSY? The Center for Recovering Workaholics announces the Life as Drug Treatment Program to help you explore the 10,000-less things. Learn to call in well, retire the treadmill, and say noes to the grindstone. Be reformed to faster ways to slow down more rapidly, and sliding through no-break systems. (No skidding!) Do nut need caffeine and sucrose to make your morning last, unscrew your way and stretch your day and to hell with pay but send 50 bucks yesterday your place to stay at the Center, MercyBuck Hospital, a poetic peripheral organ of Box B, Bucksville.

Accidental Petroleum endorses sOIL Day in combustion with All Fuel's Day April 31st to spill its refined support to the edges of The Environment. Generous contribulations of millions of automobiloids and the Job Corporation will volatilize our issue into every living tissue. On your drive to the place of your choice to help us celebrate sOIL Day activities, stop buy your neighborhood Lip Service Station and fill your tanker with eek illogically sound petrol products from the sOIL. You can't survive with us and you won't survive without us. Enjoin sOIL Day giving thanks and monetary tribute to Accidental Petroleum, a subsidiary of the Solarge Corporation of Box B, Bucksville.

5/4
The Bucksville College of Want Advertising announces a profitable one Saturn's Day Seminar in contemporary American values. GREED (Great Riches Expected Every Day) will be held this Saint Rockefeller's Day to inspire you with GREED everyday! We will honor an ex-American president that day who has done more for modern Fascism (deregulation) than anyone since Mussolini. If you can guess who he is, put his name on your seminal registration and send along with $500 cash to GREED, c/o Box, B, Bucksville. Remember, "The first panacea for a mismanaged nation is inflation of the currency." -Hemingway

NOTICE: The resident writer at the Bucksville console is holding himself hostage demanding the release of freedom from wherever it is bound. His confinement, now 16 tragic minutes, has been cursed with brutal attacks on donuts and the coffee machine. His captor refuses interview claiming revelation of the revolution and forthcoming announcement of the Honky Jarhead. An appeal has been made to the U.S. government for several hundred millions Bucks in exchange for his release and needs to be sent immediately to Box B, Bucksville.

5/11
Average Motors announces beatific driving experiences in their two latest fossil foolers, the Attitude and the Beatitude. When you cop a new Attitude, everyone else on the road is apt to get out of your way. If you would bless yourself with the Beatitude, you will be rapt in the happiest leather seat proclaimed and all will process behind you. For luxury that the Lord will lust after, drive a new Beatitude. Showroom tickets available at Box Beatitude, Bucksville.

BARGAIN HUNTERS! You are now required by law to get a bargain hunter's license. Just as hunters must hunt for a hunting license and fishermen must fish for a fishing permit, shoppers must shop for a shopping permit. This new law has just been enacted by the Bucksville Legislature, recommended by the Bureau of Obscure and Unusual Revenue, a division of the Bureau of Waits in Meaningless Lines, and approved by taxspenders. Since we know most shoppers will refuse to comply, you are all required to send in advance a 100% tax on all purchases until you send your $50 shopping permit fee to the Bureau of Revenue, Bureau B, Bucksville.

5/18
The Solarge Corporation, owner and controller of the world's solar energy, refuses any knowledge or harmful effects of solar radiation to industry, cars or jobs. The sun has been shining on plants and animals for millions of years and has never caused cancer or other skin problems and if such should start to happen now, The Solarge Corporation hereby disclaims any and all responsibility for your sunburn. This corporation didn't get so large giving money away, and your $50 monthly payment is past due at our collection Box B, Bucksville.

SKIN CANCER policies are now available at the Blessed Assurance Insurance Insurance Agency at premium prices. Your skin is precious, and you're going to get a little tan this year, so you better protect it and your next of skin. If you don't, it's no skin off our backs because we are indoors re-writing the little tiny print on the back of the policy that causes you to squint hard and damage your eyesight that is so precious and should also be covered by our little tiny print and your great big premium to the Blessed Agents, a division of the Solarge Corporation, Bucksville.

5/25
Can money BUY HAPPINESS? YES! If you would like to know how, drop into The Suite Buy and Buy Used Gnu Bookstore and Guru Exchange and pick up Bubba Hairy Boss Hog's new book The Wise Should Never Charge for Wisdom in used paperback so that all can afford to pay less than the $50 cover price. If you want to order by mail, send money. The more you send, the more happiness it buys us, thereby proving that money can buy happiness and Box B, Bucksville.

SAVIOR BUCKS! The Church of the As Holy Brethren announces its reserection as ChurchBank of the Rich as Holy Brethren. Buck the salvation of your saving belief system. Don't be bound in stocks or bonds. We launder your filthy lucre and offer the new Jesus is Lord and MasterCharge Card for credit salvation. New convert services include Have You Been Saving Accounts, Golden Passport Keys to the Pearly Gates, and silver communion gnocho platter and bloodsteins. For Heaven-spent financial plans, or to get acquainted with the Vault of Heaven, worship soon at ChurchBank of our choice where Jesus saves Box B, Bucksville. Member FDIC (Fabled Deposits In Cache).

6/1
NOTICE BEAVERS. When the trees are all gone in your bottom of the woods and you have nothing more to excite your incisors, BareHouser will supply your needs with pre-chewed trees and branches delivered to your eroding stream bank from our expanding log bank. For free catalog on non-recycled non-recyclable paper send 50 bucks to All Gone Quim, Barks B, Goneville.

FOR SALE: Survivalist home bermed into remote hill. Heavy duty dining shelter w/firepit, hammock hooks, chem lab, fallout shelter w/periscope, ammo bunker, gun ports w/ machine gun mounts, built-in napalm system (external), bulldog pens, moat. Invisible from above and already painted camo. $150,000 cash only. See your 21st Century Surreal Estate Reagent nowhere near Box B, Bucksville.

6/8
ChurchBank welcomes money changers and lenders into the temple this Funday to preach the morality of Jesus is Lord and Master Charge high interest exits from purgatory, introduce St. Lucrefer, patron saint of Tithetronic penance, and solicit contributions of lots within one mile of ChurchBank before forced buyouts displace all residences in order to pave the four surrounding square miles for ChurchBank parking. If you become a homeless sinner, ChurchBank will not foreclose on your pitiful soul when you open a new Tithetronic Jesus is Lord and Master Charge account. Please worship at the bank of our choice in Bucksville.

The Solarge Corporation, purveyors of the finest solar emanations, wishes you to think warm and not be fooled by chilly blasts of global warming. Cold is the absence of heat, so growing glaciers means there must B hot air somewhere. Eat, drink, and be merry while you buy our line of fine solar enjoyment enhancing products. Think global warmingly, act locoly. Sooner than later you'll get down to the Greenback Effect and Box B Cool, Bucksville.

6/15
NOTICE: The Buckston Building Corps, having determined that within 2 years there will be a severe shortage of parking lots, is seeking to buy all available land for paving. We must look to the future and insure an adequate supply of parking spaces for the years ahead. If you don't want to donate your land involuntarily to this important cause no one will interfere with your choice to support the future of cars, industry, taxes, pollution, jobs, taxes, bureaucracies and taxes. Send $50 inquiries to Box B, Bucksville.

The Bucksville Bard Seed has this message: The absolute truth is that there is no absolute truth. Knowledge is alleging to know. Questioning is the Fodder of attention extention retention. (This Mutter is obsfucation?) Those of you who think you know it all annoy those of us who wish we could. For worse information, send 50 bucks to Box B, Bucksville.

6/22
Insure your home and life from bureaucracies and corporations threatening to sue you for your moral indignation at their environmental irresponsibility. Take a stand against flitigious high rolling lowballers, wanting to silence you without bullets, who are supported by the Highly Educated against the unschooled Group. To procure our ProProfligate Universital Policy that entangles legal entanglers and protects against supercilious suits send $50 inquiry to Box B, Bucksville.

Are you gravely serious about your fractured humerus or porotic funny bone? Is your haw low or your hokum brokum? If you are laughlorn and your brevity of levity cannot be relieved by reruns of She-Haw, call on the Super Silly Us to introduce you to psychedelicious halucidations brought on by epic portions of HawHawthorne, HoHomer and HeHe-Man. One stiff laugh does not make you a guffaholic so follow the fried pieper to the Box of Fun B, Bucksville.

6/29
RACING FORMS of wantads are long overdue and I wager that before you finish reading this you will laugh and if you think not you're on. Since I can't see or hear you we'll go by the Bucksville Institute Standard Practice of Intrastate Monetary and Information Interchange Honor System and each put $50 in an honest envelope addressed to Box B. All entries postmarked by last midnight will be eligible for Grand Prize Drawing. All others forfeit $50 contest entry but will be entered in wager that you will be ripped off for 50 bucks by Box B, Bucksville.

The Big Boss at the Box B console admonishes the Bucksville editor/typist for censoring ads without managerial concent thereby changing the original meaning of the ad. I have never failed to scribe unethical diatribes and have worked hard to be the knowing person on this side of the page. I'm not sure who you are trying to aid and I bet you are just trying to cross purposes with The Box Boss.

Abetitor's reply: All art published in this column must be approved by the Solarge Corporation who advertises here and the only controversy printable must yet profit Solarge or this column would be little different from the rest of the columns.

7/13
NEED PARTNER to invest in rewarding outdoor opportunity. I will provide transportation, equipment and moderate pay to a hard working individual who wants to risk life in our OWN BUSINESS! I have acquired several hundred thousand gallons of liquid toxic wastes. One product kills everything it touches and the other makes things grow like radioactive mutants. The producer of these liquids is paying me to take it and we can get homeowners to pay us again to spread it on their trees and grass. Don't pass up this FANTASTIC chance to make money and protect the environment by diluting the statistics on volume of harmful waste by selling it to unsuspecting buyers as "Lawn Care Products." If you are already mutating, your chances of being my partner increase. Send resume to LawnDollar Liquidators c/o Box B, Bucksville.

PATRIOTS! We are on the verge of military and domestic nuclear waste overload. Estimates are that it will cost trillions of bucks to fix the last 40 years of the nuclear industry, and that does not include the problems of the future. If you would like to help solve the problem of CLASSIFIED tons of nuclear waste but don't have several thousand dollars to invest, have your part delivered to your home or office. Comes in attractively sealed lead box. Call for shipping weight at Box B, Nukedville.