1/6/89
FRANCLY, having a Yen to make our Mark in the financial world
and not Pound ourselves Centless, The First Natural Bankruptcy of
Bucksville proudly announces its IRE (Investments Returned Exchanged)
Plan. Invest Greenbacks and upon our insolvency you receive computer
coded colored currencies, or official IOUs. There's no pot of gold you
would recognize at the end of the Rainbow Bucks.
MAKE MORE MONEY Government Surplus Gyps, Banks, Bucks, Bonds and S & L's. Help the transformation to a cashloss society. There is no deficit as long as we can print! Food supplies dwindle, but money supplies groan. More money guaranteed or your satisfaction back! For more info send 50 bucks in gold coin to more Bucks B less Buxville.
GIANT XMAS EXCHANGE & 2 FOR 1 SALE on all items soon to be in stock. Buy 2, get 1! All purchases before noon receive a free 10% markup. Old religions no problem, we have plenty. Will trade any and all gods and their icons. Open now and thin, you'll save your bucks where Yule Savior bucks tradition and finds succor at UltraMaxiSuperMegaMother Mart.
1/20
HELP WANTED. Abortion clinic protestants. Must be free of sin
and able to cast the first stone. Must be willing to transform personal
guilt or inadequacy into the persecution of others. Must follow
directives of centralized higher authority. Must freely deny the free
will of others. Must be willing to stand fast in fast moving traffic
while breathing filthy air. Prefer fee males desiring denomination of
females. Golden rulers need not apply. Not associated with Box B,
Bucksville.
MAKE MORE MONEY in your minds I than you ever thought possible. Imagine huge sums of money and opulent lifestyles. Imagine that vast wealth is all you need for happiness and fulfillment. Imagine making Box B as wealthy as you would like to be. Send a wealth of imagination with appropriate monetary sums to Box B, MoreBucksville.
MAKE HUG PROFITS in Arms sales! Over 6 billion pairs in stock, assorted sizes and colors, with more delivered daily. Help create vast Armies to encourage clasp struggle. Always welcome small Arms. Get in Arms way. Embrace Arm-a-gettin! "Armour thy neighbor as thyself." See the Charms Merchant at Venus deMilo Arms B, Hugsville.
2/3
THE ILL ANNOY Bottled Water Company is now in business to serve
Northwest Arkansas with premium drinking water from discounted scenic
sources at discount prices. If you are ill, annoyed or tired of beaver
water, Ill Annoy Bottled Water is available in 5 million gallon split flow
containers. Look for frothcoming line of finely perfumed toilette waters
packaged exclusively for the flushed affluent of Fayetteville.
VALENTINE CARDIACS. MercyBuck Hospital offers Intensive Care for anyone emotionally wrecked by this years Valentine debauch. If you are not pumping enough action out of your sweet heart, call the MercyBuck Heartline. Describe your symptoms to which doctor answers the phone, and he will prescribe the drugs you need to be swell during the Ides of February. MercyBuck Care$.
DEAR CANDY, My heart says I can't afford to not love you, but my wallet says I can't afford you, so, I can afford to love you when I can afford you. Let's take a ride in your new Ferrari, go get some caviar and champagne, and talk about your bungalo in Calcutta. Some day, Sweetheart, we'll break out of this mess and go live on a clean planet! Call me, your secrete lover.
2/17
Define the following word: NONPROANTIDISESTABLISHMENTARIANISMISTICALLY.
Have you ever seen an adverb that big? Use it in a sentence. How many
hidden words can you find? Try to pronounce it backwards. Keep your
dictionary handy and watch for the next Boxed Spelling B, Bucksville.
The Liberal Agnostic Environmental Leftists of the Druidic Communal Hippie Atheists are pleased to announce that the Vegetarian Native Primitive Heathen Pagan Secular Humanistic Day Care Coven is now willing to attempt rehabilitation of prescription drug crazed White Nazi Fascist children of violent dog fearing militaristic Capitalist Consumers addicted to television, tobacco, alcohol and beef. Leave them in a plain brown straight jacket next door to Box B, Bucksville.
One of the First Presidents in charge of Vice at the First Natural Bank of Bucksville encourages depositors in our S & L to remain calm in the face of the banking crisis. The Bank is not in trouble, that's why we created the S & L, and we transferred our problem investments there. Otherwise, the economy is ok. We are buying up all the farms you know. We swear we aren't hiding anything, and by all means, don't go try to withdraw your money out of the S & L bacause it isn't there. First Natural Bank is Strong on Paper, Short on Bucksville.
3/3
INSTANT BLOB! Remember how scary The Blob was? Wouldn't it be
fun to have a little Blobbie? The miracle of freeze drying now brings you
Dessicated Blob in Instant 4 oz Party Blob, 40 pound Pack of Wild Hyenas
Blob, 4,000 pound Rogue Elephant Blob, and 4 Megaton Anglo Saxon Warlord
Blob. Growth inhibitors recommended. Please don't spill any water where
we have it in stock at Blob B, Bucksville.
The RIGHT TO LIFE TO DEATH encourages women to avoid abortion, carry babies to term, and sell unwanted children to the Holy Chruch of Military Sanctity who will house them in abandoned military bases. By 2000, in the year of our vengeful Lord, 666,666 bloodthirsty orphans go on as Christian Soldiers marching as to war with the cross of Jesus going on before to crush the A Rabs and Commies for Christ! Don't waste a valuable mercenary, sell it, buy god! None available at or through Box B, Bucksville.
HAVE YOU HERD? It is time to get in line at your bank or savings and loan and ask for all your deposits back. Please be patient, money is being printed as fast as possible in order to keep up with the rate of inflation. Bring a sack lunch, some cards or a book, and a wheelbarrow to get your federally insured deposits before it's too late at First Natural Bank of Bucksville.
3/17
SAVE TIME, READ FAST. The Siesta Club and Tomorrows'
Procrastinators have been collecting artifacts for the corner stone of the
Bust Building but have failed to complete the collection before
construction crews covered the eternally empty Not Enough Time Capsule.
Next time. Box B.
IF YOU DEAL stocks or are insecurities or bondage, or if you use an S & L, inflation gets ya. But that's no reason not to celebrate a strong economy with non-deflating Whoopee Cushions, after which you may need ExecLax to help keep your business deregular. When you wash up use Wooleye; it prevents your laundered dollar from shrinking. If the banks and markets head for the ditch, you may want Federal Hot Air Bags, government insured inflated protection in a crash. Wall Street will be lined with them for those who will perform ritualistic window jumping. For more inflamation, invest in Box B, Bucksville.
The First Natural Bank of Bucksville prodly announces insolvency, bankrupture, receivership by government regulators, and new homes, cars and Bahamian vacations for all executives before we reopen under a new name! All deposits are insured, so don't crowd the doors asking for your money back. It's under control, or under the seat. Watch for our Grand Reopening, The Second Natural Bank of Bucksville.
3/31
The Buckston Building Corps announces a Disprovement District to
enact the development of a 200 ton per day private Garbage-fired
Recyclerator Arts Center to meet the needs of consumers and art patrons
who refuse curbside recycling and street musicians. As NW Arkansas land
gets its fill of garbage, we'll recycle your waste into parking places and
a state of the art performance hall, and for an economical 200% increase
in your sanitation rates and property taxes, we will tell you that it is
harmless American enterprise in support of the arts and Box B,
Bucksville.
Box B is now banned by the Ahya Told You So Cockamamie and the Bureau for the Concealment of Tax Wastage; is censored by Citizens for Sensible Scandal in the Public Interest and the Council for Intelligent Toilet Text; and has been withdrawn from the shelves of libraries, bookstores and outhouses. Authoring Box B is a crime publishable buy Box B, Bucksvillian, and a fine of 50 bucks.
ATTN. FOOLS! 13 foolish acts to perform Saturday, April 1. Send 50 bucks to Box B, Bucksville, for a list of the other twelve.
4/14
SURVIVE THE COMING DEPRESSION. Protect ourself in deep pressing
times. Our deep prescience allows us to presee the need to offer
Depression Insurance at depressed rates, but the higher your premium, the
better our protection. Remember, if you got nothing, you got nothing to
lose. The Blessed Assurance Insurance Insurance Company, protecting Earth
from impending economic disaster, is a major subsidiary of Bucksville
Intergalactic. We put policies in front of people.
The NW Ark Zoo-Illogical Society announces plans to destroy thousands of acres of Native Ozark land and creatures in order to create an artificial environment for imported plants and animals from the other side of the planet. Upon completion of the NW Ark Endangered Species Detention Ark, we will consult with zoilogical societies in Africa and Asia to propose preserves for Ozark wildlife and plant species so they can enjoy The Natural State without having to risk the dangers of flying commercially. Aren't animals great? We just love 'em to death.
The Second Natural Bank of Bucksville wishes to insure clients of the safety and solvency of their liquid assets and announces total lease of said assets to the SukuBucki Bank of Japan. Disorganization will take place while you sleep and the doors will open to the rising sun. If you need an effishient Sushi Loan, wish to open a Kamikaze Cash Account, or want to stash your pearls in a Safe Harbor Deposit Box, check us out. We will last be the Least Leased Natural Bank of Bucksville.
4/28
FREE OIL! If you would like to take part in an unprecedented 11
million gallon giveaway by one of America's most generous oil companies,
drive to the beautiful black beaches of southern Alaska where you are
welcome to mop up all your tank can hold. Sense the essence of
recrudescence among shimmering rainbows dancing on pristine Pacific
waters. You're no fool when you buy fuel from Buxxon, a subsidiary of the
Solarge Corporation and protected from damaging lawsuits by laws passed by
our well paid professional congressmen who draft off Box B, Bucksville.
The Bucksville P R Department warns local businesses of official notice to endorse your goods and services. To avoid our exclusive Prejudicial Endorsement send your address and 50 bucks now or your customers will see your company name in this column and we'll wreck your biz, or at least give the impression that, like us, you're just in it for the money. You needn't send more to avoid the swill, you can't get lower than the Box Beville.
MUMMY REPAIR. Are you wrapped up in mummies and having trouble tying up loose ends? Tutankhamoney rewraps! Send mummy and bury 50 Buckophagus B, Bucksville. Satisfaction guaranteed or your mummy back.
5/12
DEWEY, GIGGEM & HOW, an accounting law office under contract to
Bucksville, has completed a three day, $7 million feasibility study to
determine if it is possible to raise sanitation rates every few days and
not upset the ratepayers. The study advises the Bucksville Utility
Corporation to raise its sanitation rates in order to pay the $7 million
fee by spreading the costs across the ratepaying public so as not to drain
dwindling municipal reserves. Results of the study will be available to
the public for the price of a 3 year lawsuit. To avoid the inevitable
increase, send your address and 50 bucks to Box B, Bucksville.
CONSUMER LIBERATION! Export garbage! Intergalactic Trash Removal brings to Earth technology that converts garbage to rocket fuel! You build the converter to our specs and we will provide 50 garbage-fired trips that will allow Americans to export up to 50 million tons of garbage to the moon and dispose of it in the Sea of Trashquility. In return, every 50th trip is filled with 50 dollar bills, payable to the Refuse Refugium, a subsidiary of Bucksville Intergalactic.
FOR SALE: Used '67 Toaster with rebuilt pop-up, only been wrecked once; used Popcorn Popper, one owner retired kernel; used want-ads, now taking bids; post holes, you come and dig them up and pour the water out of them and you can have them for a quarter. Call and come buy Box B, Bucksville.
5/26
STUDENTS! Box B wants to remind you (since you forgot) that when
you finish the semester and have too much crowded into your memory, you
can decram with a Speed Forgetting Course to clear some of those cranial
crevises. Sign up soon. If you pay your fifty dollar fee and forget to
show up for the course, you graduate. If you forget to send the fifty
bucks you fail and must re-register until you remember to forget. Don't
forget, send 50 bucks to Box B, Bucksville.
Duckolator Worldwide Services now offers trees delivered to beavers in areas of forest that have been clear cut. By road or air, we'll get the timber back in there. Call now for Fall reservations on migratory bird buses to Texas and Mexico. If South America is your destination, Duckolaire flies nonstop from north to south three times a week! Sooner or later you'll call Duckolator and send 50 bucks to Box B.
The Pollution Control Bureau of Bucksville (PCBs) issues a warning to some consumers that plastic is no longer considered a safe food additive and that all plastic food products will probably be recalled within 30 years. Until further research determines any possible connection between burned plastics and air pollution, no further warnings will be issued. Forget this warning and that you saw it first under the B Box.
6/9
The Bucksville Fairweather Insurance Bureau has determined
conclusively that the 450 mile per hour clockwise winds that ripped
through town 5/22 were not a tornado but the Coriolis defect and are not
covered by your insurance policy. The act of God did a little damage, but
we praise Him and the fine print for protecting our premiums. Pay on time
or pay the consequences. The Insurance Insurance Agency of Bucksville. We
put policy in front of people.
MEET MISS HYPOTHERM: On hot summer days, give your chillren a chill. Left in the freezer for a couple hours, Miss Hypotherm is a cool, cuddly, kissable doll that is cheaper than air conditioners. She's frigid, not a fright, she'll cool your kids right. CryoCottage Industries, Box B, Bucksville.
LOST: Black and white pen in spiked leather sheath. Answers to the name Subcalibre. Last seen with invisible shield. Am out of pocket without it so send 50 bucks to Box B for reward.
6/23
UNDERWATER TOURS of Beaver Lake are now available at 10:30 in the
morning. We meet for food before the tour at Rocky Brunch. This is an
excellent opportunity to assess your independence and check out fertile
real estate in the post dam era. Take the Sub and leave the Diving to us.
Contact your unreal estate agent at Beaver Bottom Estates, Box B,
Bucksville.
PREPOSITIONAL ADVERTISING is with your need to go about ad arranging for the purpose of getting your message around. About the time you read this we'll be beside ourselves because any fool knows that a preposition is a bad thing to end an ad with and up with which we will not put. For design, layout and pasteup 50 bucks on the cardboard Box B.
DRUG FREE RECIPES: Grainless, meatless, eggless, dairyless, sugarless, cellulose, gunpowder and salt free with no preservatives or MSG. Booklet comes with instructions for how to remain comfortable in your last days, last rights, local mortuary phone numbers and a selection of appropriate epitaphs. For example, "Here lies Henry, healthy soul, his carcass didn't need a hole." If you are cursed with a desire for more info, write for Health Prevention c/o MercyBuck Hospital, Bucksville.
7/7
USED FIREWORKS. Select from magnificent multi-colored star bursts,
consumer retorts, shimmer showers, low altitude satellite chasers and
Neanderthal candles. Bargains by the shovel full! The Uh-Oh Fireworks and
Smokeshop in the carbon steel Box B, Bucksville.
TRUCKERS! Hate to get up early to drag axle over the mountain? Are you forced to pull a heavy trailer over hill, Dale and Dodge? If your income is limited by the load/mile then test pilot the new 6,000 HP 18-wheel Sport Hauler and think about getting those chicken lips over the mountain in a fraction of the time. Close to the ground bullet nose cockpit is astrologically designed to cut drag, and a rejection seat throws you clear of the wreckage. For a closer look at the few remaining, come buy Judas' Chariots in the Groundzero Mall, Solarge Tower.
The Buckston PetroChem Corps delights in the death of pests in your environment and encourages use of Chemolawn, Chemaire, Killigan HydroChem, Morquestial Biocides, ChemoKlean, DentoChem, Chemocar, and Chemotherapy sprays, powders and liquids. Enjoy your Chemohome and remember, damnit, we paid millions of bucks to tell you it's safe! Remember, Better Living Through Chemystery. Brought to you by Bucksville Intergalactic.
7/21
BIG GIVEAWAY at Lawndollar Liquidators! Invest in a patio
appliance, power mower, gas grill or a set of pink flamingos and we'll
give you a bank or S & L. Offer good only while tax bailout supply lasts.
For suspicious information sneak by at night to the clandestine Box B,
Bucksville.
BUCKSTON OIL asks American motorists not to notice that gasoline prices change dramatically from state to state, and never ask why. We can't reveal that low price gas moves periodically because those are the areas where we dump toxic wastes that mix with motor fuels and are partially burned in your engines. The chemical and atom industries pay us plenty to get rid of that stuff, so you should be happy to pay less for it. We are also proud that we can get the taxpayers to pay for our offshore oil spills, so take a long trip out to the coast and see for yourself how beautiful it is. Buckston Oil Wastes America.
Creative financiers hired or elected by local voters as a sales tact propose the Development of Personal Revolving Bucksville Funds with unrated, uninsured sales tax qualified bonds. No banks, golf courses, incinerators or lawyers involved! Bring or send cash only for slick high-tech looking laser printed bond paper issued daily. Not a member of the Wall Street Gang of Pecuniated Thugs or local self-rated governments.
8/25
CHLOROPHOBE Support Group now meeting to encourage metroplication
of Bucksville in order to remove insulting green things growing in the
dirty ground where clean concrete and steel could be. If you, a family
member, a friend or acquaintance fears, or is allergic to, icky green
living things contact the Bucksville Industrial Developers Surreal Estate
Agency and Poisonous Chemical Sales. Paid for by Lawndollar Liquidators
and the Buckston Oil and Chemical Congloperate.
FOR HIRE: Consultant Consultant to advise on the advisability of consultants. If your municipality is not sure that you are getting your buck's worth out of expensive engineering consultations, feasibility studies, long-, short- and indefinite-range plans, program proposals, committee recommendations, suitability determinations, design criteria, location applications, operation summaries, safety concerns, environmental impact statements, field inspections and property value assessments, then you need hire the Consultant Consultant. We will give you the benefit of our expert tease. Offices in the Denatured Natural Bank of Bucksville, 13th floor, Bucksville Plaza.
FOR SALE: Voter. Got an agenda and need a faithful constituency? Pay me enough and I'll vote for you. Pay me more and I'll recruit some friends and neighbors and line up some cameras and kissable babies. Pay me a lot and I'll be your Washington cordespondent. Pay me everything and I'll escape to the Exotic Island Casino and Sailboat Rental of the Indies. Pay for me at the big Box B, Bucksville.
9/8
It's not against the law to get the measles or attack the virus
with murderous intent, but it is illegal to give political asylum to
wanted microbes, and worse, to spread them. The cause of disease is lack
of immunizations, the cost is wages lost to unproductive recovery time and
madicull bills. Childhood diseases often require one or more parent to
miss time on the job. If you are naturally frightened of poisoning your
child with innoculants, then you need Pedopathic Insurance. There is no
crime in gambling your money to cover the expenses of someone losing a day
or two on the job, and you will more easily qualify for religious
exemption from dangerous shots. Review pediapathic policy with your
Blessed Assurance Insurance Insurance Agent, Solarge Tower, Bucksville.
Omissionary needed for third world mission to talk heathens out of their native belief and self-reliant agriculture. If your omission is successful GubMental will send troops, AgriBiz will send farm equipment, BankRoll will erect some bullet-proof state buildings with a vault, and OilChem will send fuel, fertilizer and pesticides that are banned in this country. You will receive an ambassadorship and hefty hazardous duty pay. Once converted, the new agricultural output of tobacco, sugar, cotton, opium, cocaine and coffee will overfeed you and pay you a Capitalistic commission for helping in the omission of primitive non-christian cultures. Send resume to The Church of the Holy Buck, high atop the Solarge Tower. Remember, o missionaries, third world gleanliness is next to godlessness.
9/15
Escapreneurs! Trip out of drug fear with legal, ChemBiz endorsed
mind mashers distributed by medically secured pharmaceutical salespersons.
Magiscript (Trademark, Buckston Chemical Corpse) allows casual users an
alternative to common illegal drugs. Make an appointment with your
friendly Dr. Pusher to sign up for Magiscript, and tell him of your new,
and painful symptoms. Approved by the Drug BizCzar in the war against
casual users of illegal drugs. Remember, Magiscripts are not illegal and
available in the drug den at MercyBuck Horsepistol.
FREE Bill Barrow with any purchase of assorted banks and S&Ls. Pick from Slavings and Moans, Savings and Lose, Local Panic and Trust, Bank and Foreclose, Bank and Ruptcy, Moat and Trust, Banker's Rupture and Truss. Any or all CHEAP! All purchases receive FREE inflation quality, high capacity Bill Barrow. Pneumatic wheeled money carrier is designed for the future of paper currency. Make your daily 50 million dollar allowance convenient. For more information contact the Federal United Cash Klatch Loss Insurance Corporation, Solarge Tower, Bucksville.
9/22
BUCKSTON U announces what 4 week seminar entitled Pick of the
Litter, Deconfusing Solid Waste. 1st week: Who am I, Who are you, and Look
at all the expensive trash we create. 2nd week: Recognizing Trash. 3rd
week: How to clean up this seminar. 4th week: What do we do now that we
are clean up to our cans in trash? If you have ever wondered why we humans
produce so much trash, this seminar is not for you, it is for those who
don't care how much we have, just where should we put it. For info and
registration contact Fillers and Burners, Box B, Trashville.
CITIZENS OF BUCKSVILLE. Having second thoughts about becoming the bride of Frankenburner? Does the water bill's consummation give you wet feet? Don't bow to statutory rate! To anull financial fiducial fidelity, stand up to disengage incinerator disengagement. For better and worse, in sickness and in sickness, richer and poorer, send $50 to Box F, Boffsville.
9/29
CONSUMERS: Economic machine innovators at the Solarge Corporation
College of Statistical Research in Long-, Short- and Indefinite-Range
Forecasting have developed the next generation of home and business
calculators designed to keep up with inflation. Greater storage capacity
and a display with 30 DIGITS TO THE LEFT OF THE DECIMAL POINT will allow
you to see clearly how big the national deficit is. When it costs several
hundred million bucks to buy groceries, you won't have to figure your
checkbook in confusing scientific notation. Priced right! Send $5,000 to
Inflatorators, Box B (to the Nth power), Bucksville.
SURPLUS MONEY HANDLERS: Your immediate $50 submission subscribes your membership to the SuperVentilators Club. All applicants must be environmentally sensitive, breathe correctly or be willing to learn, manifest as many animal as human characteristics, wear the right brand of shoes, and be willing to cop the attitude that most of what humans do is immoderately funny. This club exists mainly for the benefit of the founder who encourages all persons to start their own religions and define their own gigs. We have centered ourselves in the middle of the column at Box B, the genuine source of right and left justified hype.
10/6
Ozark Bank and Bank has plenty envestment capitol to assist
gubment and bidness. If you own a small or medium size gubmint or bidnezz,
knok the hocky off your boots and wander on in. We are always happy to
stop what we were thinking about and talk bizness for awhile. If you are
ready to promot local autonomy and economy, we will help you raze capitol.
Ozark Bank and Bank, a subsidiary of the Solarge Corporation,
Bucksville.
The Supress Court of the United Bucks of America announces that it is economically and morally imperative to legislate morals, and has been paid to hand this down to the obedient subservient. Foremost, the human body is gross, must be mostly covered unless your corporation profits from porno, and all personal habits and hygiene must be performed alone in the dark with a doctor's permission. Failure to obey legislated morals only results in more legislation. If you do not act right, your cable TV will used to spy on you. This decision brought to you by the Chief Injustice of the Supress Court and several million bucks to Box B, Bucksville.
10/13
PROPER INDUSTRIAL KITCHEN Equipment Sales has polished the knobs
of our newest, sexiest digital Megavox Forklift to make room for the
latest models of pneumatic tired Knife and Spoonlifts in plate and
stainless steel for any modern supper class institutional mess hall. The
Megavox High-Temper Single Edge Knifelift is safe and cuts the mustard.
The incomparable Megavox Bornwitha Silver Spoonlift fits the upper hand.
Drive one across your range today! Order metallic brochure from the
Solarge Motorfuel Acceptance Corporation, Box B, Bucksville.
OWN YOUR OWN HOME in a flood plain? If you can't see to part with the clams for sea-splitting Moses Protection Plans then you have Noah Insurance. With Noah Insurance you are protected from boat loads of animals coming to rest on your precious roof and we are protected from bothersome claims. Remember, you can't afford to be without Noah Insurance at All Risks Token Underwriters. Look for premiums on Titanic Cruise Insurance, Challenging Space Exploration Insurance, Casey Jones Slamtrack Policy, and the Daedalus and Icarus Flight Insurance and Belly Landing Coverage at your Bucksville Insurance Casino, Solarge Tower of Bucksville.
10/20
A recent public poll conducted by a social service bureau of the
Solarge Corporation indicates that a minority of majorities in Bucksville
are willing to quit counterfeiting contrapreneurial sloguns on the Iron
and Bamboo curtains and begin erecting the Greenback curtain to protect
bureaucratized Capitalism planet wide from the hungry and poor who have no
property. The placement of money cannons on inside tracked vehicles is
expected to protect pollsters long enough to determine how many phone
calls the major minorities of starving homeless miss every week. We care
about Solarge Corporations because you care about Bucksville.
DEPOSITORS: Do not panic just because your money is not at the BBank. It is insured by huge sums of imaginary money in insolvent trusts and other non-liquidable federal reserves. Just because the stock market crashed does not mean that we don't care about your assets. Removal of vast quantities of dollars from circulation is necessary to keep inflation down. The giant corporations and government bureaucracies that depend upon your money are strong and the economy is fine, so please leave the lines and go home and otherwise vacate the doorways of BuckBank, the Solarge Tower, and Box B, Bucksville.
10/27
I SEW custom animal covers for zoos, ranches and kindergartens
and will customize for horses, zebras, antelopes, large goats and small
moose. My specialty is top hats and tails for Jenny and Jack, so if you're
taking a donkey or mule out on the town, at North American Mammal Jackets
we got your ass covered. Drop in for an appointment anytime next door to
(and downwind from) Box B, Bucksville.
The Heimlich Cafe buys only manually managed mocha mix and carefully cropped custom caffeinated coffee beans from the magnificently manicured mountain mesas of Pecunia. I'm One Valdez and I pick all those oily beans off the beach one at a time to refine the hemisphere's finest and transport them to you at tremendous cost in fuel and former food producing land. Please don't buy coca products if you want to continue to sip steamy satisfying slugs of legal drugs available in your hometown supermarket today. Heimlich's Cafe, where you should only cough up a nickel.
11/3
The 147th Executive President in Vice issues its annual $tate of
the state address and desires improved figures in expanded health care,
calendars and clocks in every closet, better bureaucratic redundancy
oversight, better bureaucratic redundancy oversight, prescription chemical
diversions for the aged, and a gallon in every guzzler. Remember,
efficient users, not efficient conservers, make democracy safe for
capitalism. Vote Box B, Bucksville for/to Congress or Governor and I
promise you more promises of action instead of just word after word after
worthless words. BUCKS B IN '90!
YUK PIG FOOIE! Tired of sitting powerless thru gainless ground games while the throwing arm has been thrown out? Pass this around. The Red, White and Bruise Computer Football Game lets YOU decide when to take to the air! Prograsms fast, easy to win, punts on a dime! Support the Razorhacks and/or send 50 bucks to Box B, Bucksville.
11/10
PATRIOTS! Afraid to display your stars & bars for fear that terrorists or nature will make you responsible for desecration and therefore a common criminal? Afraid to have the flag tattoo removed from your rump? You need Flag Insurance! For just a little premium non-union Jack your patriotic duty to banner yet wave is protected from high temperatures and material damage if attacked with guns or by God. For more premium info contact your Fahrenheit For 51 States Insurance agent in Bucksville.
The 1984 Procrastinators Club will meet sometime in March or July of 1991 or sometime thereafter. We know how much youÕve been waiting to hear this bit of news, so we will provide notice again later. When the Procrastinators Club House is constructed sometime in the next century members will talk about filling the corner stone with artifacts depicting the past, the present, and the future of procrastination. For more info, don't hesitate to send 50 bucks NOW to Box B, Bucksville.
11/17
If Wealth = Happiness and Friends = Happiness, then Wealthy
Friends = More Happiness. Being everyone's friend, I can be everyone's
wealthy friend. If you would enjoy having a generous, witty friend show up
for dinner parties and holidays, start sending money right away. Be sure
to include your address. To guarantee the Best Friend for Your Money, send
50 bucks or more to Your Friend at Box B, Bucksville.
ATTENTION: Cosmically Conscious. Get information for the New Wage. With our illuminating catalog of products, you can enlighten others while raising your income consciousness. On cassette, CD and video. Topics include: Lifting First Shockra Energy and Keeping it UP, Codependency for fun and profit, How to love until it hurts just right & wrong, Cophylacsis for Codespondents, CrystoClare Pecuniation, Overt Sublimation, and Predicting the Occurrence of Pyramids. Help us raze your prosperity! Send 50 bucks to free catalog at the Crystal Box B, Bucksville.
11/24
NUCLEAR WAR INSURANCE The Blessed Assurance Insurance Insurance
Company writes policy in order to collect premiums and secure huge profits
for a few fat cats. In peace time we win, and in the event of global
annihilation we still win because all the forms, offices and personnel for
filing claims will be vaporized. You wonÕt have any way to collect and
weÕre already filthy rich, ha ha! Contact your Blessed Agent today, if you
think your puny life is worth it, sucker. In the Solarge Tower, Bucksville
Mall & deMent.
The Bucksville Numystic Prophet for Profit, when asked to predict the rise and fall of global stock markets, complained of powerful interference from a thousand points of lightlessness. He got on the Predictaphone for an astral cruise to discover that Scientifically And Technologically Advanced Nations (SATAN) have set up a tollboard to charge the Price of Darkness, and that all calls must be dialed through the Chruch of Soul Exchange and are screened by a psychoceramic. Any clues to this numystery may be the bigending of a blunderful relationship. We predict you'll Be There Now with your $50 bill for the answer to the unanswerable Box B, Bucksville.
12/1
The Solarge Corporation, owner and controller of the sun's
energy, will purchase the states of Arkansas, Louisiana, Texas, New
Mexico, Oklahoma and Arizona in a move that will undoubtedly prompt
corporate ownership of the remainder of the USA. A spokesperson for
Solarge says, "The nation as a whole is actually owned by a few very
wealthy individuals already, so in order to give the appearance of public
ownership without appearing like a socialist state, we initiate the trend
of the future, corporate ownership." Remember to pay your solar energy
bills on time or we will turn it off. The Solarge Corporation, a
subsidiary of Bucksville Intergalactic and Collection Agency for Box B,
Bucksville.
SHOPPERS! Find Off the wall Savings, behind the barn values, and touched in the wallet prices on over the hill merchandise at our up the rivulet warehouse clearance without a ledger location. We are under a thumb your nose to the grindstone reduction at the 6th First Annual Going Out of Business SALE. Prices are hanging on to my skirttails! Come cut the apron strings on adult values and ride the coattails to fabulous deals in the basement of bargains. We live in what we purchase while we're living at the pre Fab Box B, Bucksville.
12/8
FIGHT INFLATION with inflation! Do you lack a BMW, Saab, Benz,
Porche, etc. in your drive to give the neighbors an appearance of wealth,
status, virility, cleavage, etc? For a fraction of the price you can get
an inflatable sports or luxury car to park out front. Blow maintenance,
high gas mileage rubber replicas are machine-crafted to perfect detail and
look so real it's hard to remember the back seat is not available. Airbags
are standard equipment. Sales are ballooning at Ms. Matic's Pneumismatic
Inflatorship on the Bucksville Strip.
ALLERGIC to paper WASPs? Tired of hearing from the stinging bureaucracies that you don't have the right to mess with the money you gave as taxes and surtaxes that is going to be spent in your best interest, if you want it spent or not? You need Boxed Bee Repellent. If you can no longer afford to be stung by the Killer Box Bs, send 50 bucks to SWAT (Sue With A Ttorneys) those suckers. Of course it won't do much good, but it will give you a quick buzz and we really love all the money and attention at the Hive B, Bucksville.
12/15
NOTICE: Defenders of the Divine Bovine. Tired of the tarnish
afforded by wimpy outfits like Box B and other liberal Commie press? If
you too often have to polish the polled hereford of polemical patriarchy,
scour the scum off your catechizmic cattle, scrape the scat from the
caliphate calf, buff the bung from the brass bull or hack the hooey from
the Holy heifer, remember that it is nothing that money can't fix. Simply
buy protection from profligate pundits. If you would like to not see your
name here next week, send $5,000 to Box B, Bucksville.
If you parked Schrodinger's Car in the garage where you can't see it, does it still exist? Sure it does, and it better be well insured. Regardless of how well you understand electronics, physics, quantum mechanics or driving, there is always the possibili ty that your remote out of control car may roll into a black hole and never come back. For protection against quark, charm, nutrino and photon damage, better contact your Blessed Assurance Insurance Insurance Agent today where St. Nickleloss shops for it all in the Bucksville Mall this Hollerday Season.
12/22
Bucks For Peace and Consumption announces 1990 as Year of the
Consummate Consumer and The Race is on to consume the world's resources
before third world countries find out how bad we are ripping them off! At
best, consume as much as you can as fast as you can. For this humanitarian
effort, Consumer Lords in the Bucksville Mall offer special hollowday
unlimited credit at 66.6% interest to all homeless and unemployed persons.
If you are shopping impaired, motor through the Solarge Plaza to the
Bucksville Mall where Jesus X would shop this Xmas season if he had any
money. Paid for by the Consumer Czar who has huge offices in the Solarge
Tower.
WANTED: A coat, clean water, and a single meal of warm food to give to my mother who is starving and freezing in the dark here in this dirty manger. Please remember that what you do to the least of your poor you do unto The Spirit of Buddha, Confucius, Mohammed, and Christ on Earth. I won't be hard to find, just follow the star in your heart and give what you can. Thanks, the Public Relations and Advertising Director and Distributor of Help to the Needy who makes $333,666 a year from the Solarge Corporation and is a paid consultant for other megabiz that profit at the expense of the poor who give to help others.