1/13/88 - GREAT AMERICAN HERO
Box B, Bucksville, acknowledges William Sumner who said, "The concentration
of wealth is but one feature of a grand step in societal evolution. Capital,
to be effective, must be in few hands, for the simple reason that there
are very few men who are able to handle great aggregations of capital. The
men who are competent to organize great enterprises and to handle great
amounts of capital must be found by natural selection, not by political
election."
Chemists at Buckston U have developed a cleanser that does not harm the environment, the grease on dishes, or the bugs in your fine home. Guaranteed safe! No hazardous chemical by-products wasted in Absolvo. When the going gets tough, Absolvo quits! Distributorshops available. For more info, contact Fortuna Favet where the exception establishes the rule at Box B, Bucksville.
Buckston U. announces New Age College Credits, including variable credits and variable subject matter. You decide: When you've learned enough to end the course, what the course is named after youÕve figured out what you have learned, and how many credits you deserve. We decide how much you owe us for the diploma, which start at 50 bucks at Box B, Bucksville.
1/27
Feel your being caught in the cross fire of living? Are you standing
cross-legged at the crosswalk of life's crossroad? Keep the cross-eyed
cross-examination from getting you crossed up when we come across with
Cruci-Fix, the Spiritual Adhesive. Our cross section of crosswise users
indicates the etheric tackiness of Cruci-Fix effective for crosspatch,
cross-grained and cross-purpose. Rush minimum donation of 50 bucks
(the more sent, the better it works) to St. Crucifer, Church of the
As-Holy Brethren, Box B, Bucksville.
IS LIFE TOO GOOD? NEED PROBLEMS? Learn by experience how to adjust to increased economic pressures with Crises Management Workshops by mail! First lesson: minor nuisances, a mere 50 bucks. Second lesson: aggravation, only 150 bucks. Next month send $1000 and you got a lesson to learn. If you would like to be the first Bucksville martyr, send all you have to Box B, Bucksville.
Now you can help initiate the New Wage with our cataloged aids to the New Age. Included are the ImBiblebal Fruit of Divine, the New Wager Investment Guide, Clothes for the Garb Age, Legal Advice for the Sue Age, Prophetering for Fun, Preying for Money, Buyer's Guide to Crystal Crockery, and Cosmic Awaryness for the Karmic Deficit. Order now and get free your own Cosmical tuned CB receiver with over 100 psychic channels. Send 50 bucks to the Prosperity Consciousness at Box B, Bucksville.
2/10
GRAND OPENING of Haz Mart to provide our community with hazarduous wastes
and the equipment to clean up. Rather than wrestle with the haz mat team
over funding $7000 suits that only last a year, shop at Haz Mart, the one
stop shop for them that haz and them that haz not. Haz Mart, contributing
to your neighborhood soon. Buy Bye Bye By-Products, a division of Box B,
Bucksville.
WANTED: Ideas for what to do with 150 tons a day of municipal garbage. Here's one: If tourists are going to persist in coming to NW Arkansas, perhaps we should pour our garbage into the big caves between here and I-40 in order to expedite construction of I-71. Send yours to the Urban Highway Beautification Bureau at Box B, Bucksville.
NOTICE: Election commissions directing public votes will be happy to know that the same custom computer modeling programs that compile $40,000 cost assumptions are now programmed to give accurate vote counts based on the same algorthymic assumptions. If you want the vote to swing your way, install SoftBware today. Contact We Proof Your Goof at ZerO-K Mega Box B, Bucksville.
2/24
Concerned about a Congress contrary to fund the Contras? Does the
contradiction of our uncontrite chief contractor contravene common sense?
If you are in contraposition to contrabutions that contrive contraindicated
contratemps in Central America, controvert the contrail of drugs to the US
and the contraction of further Contra booty shunts. Contract Cocaid to the
Contras, Box B, Bucksville.
STUDENTS: Soon you will be looking for a job. Don't let "over education" prevent satisfactory placement. If you need to DECRAM after the final exam, LEARN TO UNLEARN with the Box B Speedforgetting Course which begins as soon as the semester is over. For free sample test, forget you sent 50 bucks to Box B, Bucksville.
EARTHQUAKE INSURANCE: Worldweld Continental Plate Glue is now not available, thanks to successful lobbying by Big Insurance, and the big shake and quake is due. You need to be covered by an expensive policy in case you are ever covered by a hillside near the fault so you can recover. Remember, if you suffer damage or loss in a quake, it's not our fault, the fault is in the Earth, and Earth is an act of God. We put policy in front of people. The Policy Overriders underwriting unsurance at Box B, Bucksville.
3/9
NOTICE: The Buckston Building Corporation, underwriter, seller, contractor,
builder and operator of Municipal Garbage Disguiser #1, seeks a variance
to the non-smoking ordinance in order to operate said disguiser. MGD #1
will smoke the equivalent of 200 billion packs of cigarettes a day, a dose
no more hazardous than the typical nightclub/bar at a mean distance of
3,452 feet. If the variance is refused, Buckston Building Corp. plans to
convert the plant to a smoker for curing meat. Either way, it's Smoke B,
Boxedville.
Professional Consultant Consultant available for those seeking consultants. Shopping Consultant advises on how to buy only what's on your list, and plans a Delux Introduction to UltraMaxiSuperMegaMother Mart in the Big D for all your non needs. Newly enli sted Dinner Consultant advises on Microwave TV Dinner Consultant, Water Boiling Consultant, Frozen Juice Reconstituting Consultant, and Garbage Consultant. Consult the Insultant Consultant at Box B, Bucksville.
Troubled by the growing doubt of a troubled conscience? Now you too can lie to God and the public with our course The Art of Conscience Clearing, and as a re course study our practice of Con Science. You can promote, without guilt, mass burn incineration,community poisoning, tax-emempt bondage, the effluent of profit maximization, guilt and gilt. For an unconscious conscience, consciously send 50 bucks to Box B, Bucksville.
3/23
We can solve the problems of nuclear and municipal waste at the same time
if we employ garbage irradiation. The nuclear industry will gladly send
us several hundred pounds of atomic wastes, like the stuff they are
sending to food irradiation plants, and when we mix it with our garbage,
it will render our waste harmless, odorless, impotent, etc. NUKE THE
TRASH! Glonad Enterprises, Box B, Bucksville.
IMPORTANT WAIVER! Box B hereby disclaims everything and is not responsible if this material maligns, distorts, bends, folds, staples or mutilates your point of view. The ability to respond to the world and its stress is improved with knowledge, so we say, go the know way with GNO WAY, a way of knowing unknown to the unknowing. We know you won't say go way or no way to GNO WAY. GNO WAY is the way to go! Remember, when the knowing gets tough, the tough go GNO WAY to Box B, Bucksville.
IT IS TIME TO INVEST in the new Minute Watch, a semi-jeweled work of art that requires winding only sixty times an hour. This timeless piece is second to none, and if you are a busy person on the go, then you'll appreciate having more to do. We know you'll get so much more done because of your increased attention to the time that soon you'll have surplus hours that you can send to us because ours are too short. Come buy and get wound up at Box B, Bucksville.
4/6
Scientists at Buckston U have received several hundred million bucks for
research to create genetic recombinants that will reduce such things as
exotic metals, garbage, radioactive wastes and unused cities to dust. Said
research will lead to discoveries in electro-magnetic field manipulation
that will allow instant conversion of matter to energy, thereby solving
all our waste problems. If you have money you wish to trash, send it to
Box B, Bucksville.
4/20
Why pay more for expensive brand names like Christianity, Judaism, Islam,
Buddhism, Hinduism, etc., when you can get GENERIC RELIGION for less?
Special offer this month: only 6.9% tithe. Coming soon, Drive Through
Confessional. No drivers license required. Master Card and Visa accepted.
Church of the As Holy Brethren, Box B, Bucksville.
NOTICE: Like to travel? Want a low tech job that offers unparalleled excitement and FREE Panama hats? 20 year old import business needs pilots and bag handlers to import CONTRAband to America. BIG BUCKS cash! No dopers, please. Write to: Just Say No, Box B, Bucksville.
Are your pockets, purses, wallets, and savings accounts too heavy? Are you loaded down with responsibility to certificates of deposit? Does your back hurt from hauling the dayÕs gross to the bank? My biz offers long term, permanent help! For more info, contact Take Off Bucks Sensibly, Box B, Bucksville.
5/4
Do you feel picked on for owning two BMWs and two homes, living in an air
conditioned tunnel all your life, riding quarter million dollar horses, and
in general being better than all those other minorities that are not nearly
as deserving of 1/3 of the world's resources as you are? State your case.
Support HONKY RIGHTS. Horn if you're Honky. More HONKY POWER to you from
the Born Again Honky at Box B, Bucksville.
NEED A DIPLOMA? Bureau University's Graduate Program has real looking diplomas with two signatures for any degree of degree in any department. The quality, value and speed of delivery is directly proportionate to the degree you send money to the revenue bureau at Bureau U. For more info on how to be you when I see you at BU, contact the Bureau of Bureaus B, Bucksville.
INCOME AT TAX time is taxing with one's attention on taxes. If you have waited until after tax time to attack your income tax, you may suffer less from income attacks only to suffer tax attacks. For untrained professional assistance with tacky tax tallies contact Income Attax, attached to Box B, Bucksville.
5/18
GRADUATES: Are you still waiting for your diploma? Local Diploma Finding
Service will investigate University Bureau claim that "It's in the mail."
For instant cash receipt for lost sheepskin search, send 50 bucks to Box
B, Bucksville.
Our creator was endowed with certain unalien rights, like any good law abidin Amurcan White man, and He saw fit to create guzoline, hot dog helper, feed cap sermons, Melmac insurance and filter cigarettes. If you see fit to support these great Amurcan traditions, state your case. Get a powerful bumper sticker! Stand up on the hood of your truck when you go buy and salute the flag and Bux B, Bucksvile, with this most patriotic message: HONKY POWER, by God.
Are you frightened by the spirit of culturalessness or lack adroitness? Got a gauche in your tuxedo closet? We can help you tack on some tact! For instance, don't take a taxi to pay your taxes. Save your fare and send it to Savoirfaire, Box B, Bucksville, and we will dispatch the Gauche Busters! Not responsible for accidents.
6/1
Is your asset in stocks? How much can the Bull bear? Have doubts about the
bare Bull? Instead of wasting money on stocks, bet on the life expectancy
of the Market! We don't put stock in stocks, we bully stock in Bears.
If you can barely stand this bull, stock up on bets. Place yours, and 50
bucks, at Box B, Bucksville.
The Artists at Lunch on the Bucksville Plaza have come to discover that the Accounting Department is embarrassed to report no big money in mail order since 1981. We are happy to report that your receipt is in the mail, so send your 50 bucks write away to Box B, Bucksville.
The First Natural Bank is now open for DEPOSITS ONLY due to 3rd world contingencies. Next monthÕs banking special is to allow one 50 dollar withdrawal per week. To insure our continued solvency bring cash (only) deposits in plain brown deposit slips to Teller B at the First Natural Bank of Bucksville.
6/15
Send your household wastes into the next dimension with the Blackhole
Vacuum Cleaner. Safe around concrete and steel, never need cleaning.
Contact the area's exclusive dealership: Blackhole in the Ground
Municipal Waste Repository nowhere near Box B, Buckshole.
The Bucksville Grocery and Nuclear Waste Dump denies all connections between irradiated foods supplies and the atomic/ military/ industrial/ agribiz. If you have a problem with food that glows in the dark, remember how easy it will be to find when We turn your lights out. When We think you need more info We'll mail it from Box B, Bucksville.
Retired army baker seeks massage technicians who like homemade bread for joint venture. If you would like to qualify to provide Bread Dough Massage Service, contact Major Knead at the Breadbox B, Bucksville.
7/13
The First Natural Bank of Bucksville computer has been infected with a
bug that has erased all records of accounts. Since we cannot account
for deposits, no withdrawals are allowed. Due to a family problem, and
other circumstances beyond our control, we are forced to apologize for
any inconvenience at the loss of your hundreds of millions of bucks and
we are so shaken that we are taking a six year vacation in the Bahamas.
Please don't line up in front of Box B, Bucksville.
NOTICE: The Bored of Directives of the Dickson Street Reprovement District has determined that within 2 years there will be a severe shortage of parking lots and is seeking to buy all available land in order to pave it. We must look to the future and insure an adequate supply of parking spaces for the years ahead. When you are ready to donate your home to this important cause, no one will interfere with your choice to support the future of cars, pavement, pollution, job-like activities, bureaucracies, taxes, surtaxes and surtax taxes. Therefore, the Bored will reassess all property in the district and tax according to guilt for lack of luxury items and Hawg paraphernalia. You want to lower your parking lot taxes, not your social status, so come on buy high dollar class items and Razornacks at Box B, Bucksville.
8/17
Got stress problems? Well, I gotta Black Belt in stress reduction and I
betcha I can help you beat stress! If I can't help, next month I am
hosting a two day workshop with Louie Ninjawitz, Thirty-Third Degree
Black Belt in stress annihilation and instantaneous total body/mind
relaxation techniques. If he can't help, you owe nothing to our collection
Boz O, Bucksville.
IMPORTANT NOTICE: The Family Farm Corporation, a subsidiary of Box B, Bucksville, a subsidiary of Bucksville International, a subsidiary of the Solarge Corporation, a subsidiary of Bucksville Intergalactic, has acquired the entire world's grain, oil and mineral supply in order to lower the price of food, energy and commodities to consumers. There will be a short six year delay in deliveries while a new office building is constructed, so hang in there and drink lots of water. Address all orders and complaints to Box B, Bucksville.
FOR SALE: Used planet. Burns oil, needs some work. Even though she's been driven hard, she has only 2.8 zillion original miles and billions of tons of minerals and resources left! If you would like to drill this baby through the galaxy while discussing terms with the current owner, call The Solarge Corporation for appointment, c/o Box B, Bucksville.
9/2
TIRED OF THE SAME OLD religions and their competitive battles over lost
souls? Would you like to secede from the murderous hypocrisy into something
a little more blissful? Rever Rend invites you to withdraw from your
miserable life and problems, and the world in general. In fact, Rever Rend
invites you to withdraw from your painful bodies and let the spirit of
Separatist Religion take over your lousy being. To disjoin, contact the
Southern Secessionist Revival, c/o Box B, Bucksville.
THE NATURAL GUARD invites all young persons without careers to consider a few years in the Unarmed Natural Guard. We will show you how to protect yourself, your family, communities and states from the terrors of organized militarism and religionism. You will learn to use low caliber weapon free systems, and wear non-uniform clothing. For more info, stop by the Disarmory next door to Box B, Bucksville.
DESPRO, Super Character from the fifth dementia, needs job. Has experience at wop, pow, socko, bif, bam and boffo, and can serve as political consultant. Will work for underground governments and other comic book agencies. Must take last chance to save himself! When the going gets weird, the desperate turn pro and to DisPlacement Services, Box B, Bucksville.
9/16
The Mutation Mint presents the Nuclear Chess game. Your children
will virtually glow with excitement as they maneuver their missile silos
and truck rockets into position. Experience the thrill and power of
watching your opponent's pieces turn to ashes when hit! Comes in it's own
attractive, lead-lined munitions box designed to prevent pieces from
falling out. Caution: your first move could be your last. Available from
Glonad Enterprises, Box B, Bucksville. Allow 6-8 minutes for delivery.
WRITERS: Having trouble finding the right agent to handle your written writings? If you want the right writing agent, you need to contact the Agent Agent at the Agency Agency. We will expertly manhandle your manuscript. We are located in the Office Building on Boulevard Street next door to the world infamous publishing empire Box B, Bucksville.
OH RAPTURE! Did we make it? Is this Heaven? If we did you will need information on what to see, who's who, protocol, monetary exchange rates, your new lack of biological functions, and how to behave in the presence of the gods. If we didn't make it, please have patience with the unpredictable prophets who were right on substance, wrong on time, and contact the Prophet Prophet for Profit who, if he can't tell you when, will at least tell you how to behave in the presence of prophets. The Most Prophet Able, Box B, Bucksville.
9/30
DO IT YOURSELFERS and home mechanics! Have catalog items not
found anywhere! Firing order decals for one cylinder engines, diesel
carburetors, combination lock washers, electroplate lunches, hydraulic
screwdrivers, liquid electrician, a thru z clamps, and much less.
Lawndollar Liquidators in the Bucksville DisMall.
LAKERS NOTICE: If your speedboat won't go over 80 it probably needs more power. At MegaMarine Power Plus we will stick more on, convert your fuel system to nitro, and issue you ear plugs. We guarantee you the loudest, fastest speedboast on the water. Otherwise, water we hear for? MegaMarine Power Plus and Insurance Underwriters next door to Box B, Bucksville.
Real writing wheel wright needed. I need to find a wright who can write while righting and right while writing, and must be able to write right right after righting my right rear wheel. If you can help please write right away to the wrightless writerless wheel wrought, c/o Box B, Bucksville.
10/15
HELP WANTED: Members of congress need help washing tons of money
that is not payoffs, bribes, nor misappropriations of taxes. Jobs include
lobbying defense contractors, shipping Air Force Freight, negotiating
loans with third world hostage hosts, trading important guns and drugs,
and the more exciting, but simpler, tasks of stuffing money into bags and
boxes for those who have yet to be washed up and hung out to dry. Earn
plenty as a congressional member of the United Bucks of America. Send
non-bribes of not less that 50 bucks to help Box D Bucks, Ville.
NEED REPROGRAMMING but afraid to leave the house? Mail order brainwashing is now available from the Art Institute for the Criminally Insane Bank and trust me. Send a loaded handgun for prompt service. If you are out and about and realize that you know too much and need a quick mindsweep, speed on down to drive through the new three minute Roto Brainwash and Lube. It's quicker than Speed Forgetting, easier than Home Lobotomy Kit. Forget you sent 50 bucks for free catalog to Box B, Bucksville.
Help South American countries pay the interest on loans to American banks. Buy cocaine, and vote for Bush/Noriega. This political message paid for with the proceeds from American consumer demands.
10/28
Consumer product developers at the Solarge Corporation Labs have
combined 220 volt power (for efficiency) and high pressure water hose
technology for the ultimate home/auto and dental cleaning. Affectionately
nicknamed Plaque Blaster, this super tool is recommended by Rambo for
immaculate dentures and population control. Available at Lawndollar
Liquidators next door to Box B, Bucksville.
Does the chance of a Republican war on the Commies bother you? Then you need War Insurance. Policies are available for a variety of coverage including Cold War, Conventional War, Drug War, Civil War, Price War, and Nuclear War. You pay your premiums and we use that money and our political influence to keep the super (and not so super) powers from hostilities. However, in the event of total annihilation, don't bother filing a claim. Remember, the longer the Republicans are in office, the greater the chance of war! Contact your Blessed Assurance Insurance Agent c/o Box B, Bucksville. We put policy in front of people.
POLITICAL HEYMAKERS at Buckston U encourage all persons to vote. When you vote, remember that the Demoblicans and the Republicats are the same party controlled by the same super powers, and that neither works to protect your earning power or civil rights. Show your disapproval with Big Brother's Party and vote for yourself, or any other candidate on the ballot. You won't know who else is on there till you get to the poll, so make your choice spontaneously and capriciously. VOTE THIRD PARTY!
11/11
FOR SALE: Maple leaves in various warm colors. I ordered this
shipment last Spring and have received more than I can ever use so if you
have a shortage, I've got the surplus. If you beleaves you need some, I
beleaf I can help, so leave your address at Box B, Leafville.
FOOD INSURANCE! The Metrorural Insurance Farm now owns most of the agricultural land in Arkansas and sells food below cost (because of the profits we make from insurance sales). Food is cheap because the real cost is written into your other insurance rates (or we have to raise the price of insurance). Thank you for paying your premiums on time (or we'll raise the price of food). For more info contact your Blessed Assurance Insurance Agent, c/o Box B, Bucksville.
Does the world seem like a mess to you? Are you worried that everything won't turn out alright? Please remember that the world will be OK if you work every day, pay your taxes, consume lots of goods, borrow money till the end of your credit, hate Commies and dope pushers, love Christ and Rambo, and believe everything you see and hear on TV! Trust us, and thanks for voting Republicrat, I mean Demoblican.
12/88
Does your business gross high only in December? The Bucksville
Unbridled Development Corporation offers a modest proposal to the problem
of annual 11 month sales slumps. 2,000 years ago biz men and bankers
crucified a wise man and they still are capitalizing on it. If we can find
an agent of God and nail him up in June, in a few hundred years we will
have two Yuletides a year. Think of the increased profits, and for only a
single human life! For more info, contact the Church of the Holy
Bucksville.
The Bucksville Bored of Directives refutes allegations that drinking herbicides is unsafe when weighed against the acceptable risk of getting to your job and back on weedless streets. Since jobs and sidewalks are more important than individual lives, impediments to progress will be sprayed and spayed. If you are injured or killed as a result of this refutation, there are professionals waiting to help you in the Body Donor Ethical Research Lab at MercyBuck Hospital and Lawncare next door to Box B, Bucksville.
SLEEP CURE: Do you wander around at night looking for some Nambulism to help you sleep? MercyBuck Pharmacy has Nambulism Tablets and Liquid available under the counter. Taken as misdirected, Nambulism will cure you of sleep and erase your mind during the long hours of waiting in doctor’s offices. You can rest assured that it is a natural buy-product, not a by-product of chemical wastes. CONTRAINDICATIONS: Do not expose to concrete, metal, water, skin or air. Nambulism is a registered trademark of Pandora’s Chemical Company, a subsidiary of Box B, Bucksville
CAPITALIZE ON CHRISTmas this holiday season. Hire an accountant and preach to the middle class about how great it is to give, give, give. Then, send us 50% to cover the costs of toying around with your money while we find Taiwan and Korean trinkets for you to distribute to the unfortunate “needy.” All you have to do is sign a noncancellable Santa clause. We provide the red suits to keep you from the law suits here at Box B, Bucksville.
RAPTURE PRODUCTS for the committed Christian: asbestos covered bibles, heat seeking crosses, fire distinquishers, armarillo pads, brimsteppingstones, heavy holy water, con flag rations, apocalypstick, fear plugs, Son glasses and other accessories to help your ass send to heaven. For free catastralog of Brevalations send your nucleotithe of Fifty Bucks to Glownad Enterprizes, Box B, Bucksville.
EXCUSE ME FELLOWS, are your hands too soft and lacking callouses? Do you wear clean, neat clothes all the time? Do the guys on Dickson Street call you Mr. Wimp? Enroll now in the Low-Tech School for Advanced BadAss Training. Learn to fashionably wear 10 pound key chains, wrist boots, neck studs, leather jocks, etc. Write for Course Male order, Box B, Badsville.