HAPPY NEW YOU, HEAR?
Happy knew you here!
Happy new, y'hear!
Dirty Dan, Garden Poet
THE LOW-TECH, HIGH REJECTS at Box B, Bucksville, have developed a subliminal programming detector to fit all VCR and computer terminals. Now you can know what is programming YOU! In the words of Edward Abbey, "The ideal robot, after all, is a properly processed human being." Learn whether your decisions are your own. For this and future developments, don't be terminal, send fifty bucks to Box B, Bucksville, Bucksville, Bucksville.
NOTICE: YOUR WILL IS incomplete if you have not appropriated who receives the bucket you kick. Regardless of the condition of the bucket you own, if no one else wants it, you may will it to Box B, Bucksville.
FOR SALE: GOOD USED BUCKETS. Only been kicked once. Also have plenty of well-kicked buckets if you're not real particular about the condition of the bucket you kick. Make informed choices ahead of time. Contact Box B, Bucketsville.
THE HOT BOX B is proud to announce the arrival of Lisa Marie to Fayetteville December 20, 1984. For all those vital statistics that everyone asks for, send fifty bucks for Lisa's List, c/o Box B, Bucksville.
CONGRATULATIONS, BOX B, re: Lisa Marie. Enclosed please find fifty bucks.
CITIZENS FOR THE Restriction of Arkansas Pollution (CRAP) asks that all sentient beings (chickens and cattle included) protect our environment by withholding bodily wastes for weekly intervals. "Don't lay waste, constipaste". (Please withhold tax-deductible donations.)
THE WRITING STAFF AT Box B is on strike, demanding better peanut butter sandwiches and a new coffee pot in the lounge. We will write only every other week. This is a gag-cutting measure, and we will get back to lunch as soon as possible. Stay tuned, the super-efficient staff at Box B, Bucksville.
I LIKE TO BELIEVE THAT people in the long run are going to do more to promote peace than are governments. Indeed, I think that people want peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of their way and let them have it (peace). Gen. Eisenhower for Box B, Bucksville.
FREE ADVICE to world governments. For a solution to all planetary economic problems, send fifty trillion bucks to Box B, Bucksville.
EXAMPLES OF COURAGEOUS behavior are seldom found in the world today. Few have the guts to stand out, or stand up for the outstanding. Fear not, brothers and sisters, but take heart that two voices speak loud from this page. Dirty Dan and Mox E, Plucksville.
NOTICE: HAVE 4 MILLION gallons of the awfulist shit you can imagine to get rid of quick. Don't be turned off yet, the EPA says it doesn't cause cancer for a couple of years, and the color is terrific for dyeing fabrics (or anything, for that matter) if you like brown. It's sale priced - a tank truck load is only fifty bucks. If we don't sell it by noon tomorrow, however, we're just gonna dump it over by Black Forest. Don't be chicken, contact Tox C, Dumpsville.
NOTICE: Having trouble putting bacon (fat) on the water table? Is your groundwater dirt this morning? Perplexed by the question, "What's an aquafer?" Fer springs of answers, send streams of bucks to the beavers who well give a dam at Box B, Bucksville.
FOOT ODOR IS NO FUN. Winter traps our peds in our Keds all day against the cold. We get home and our noses run and our feet smell. Besides being built upside down, our Sox B, Yucksville.
NOTICE: What're we gonna do when our water falls below drinking quality? Well, you'll see many cry a river of tears. Lake waves of aquamarine wash our favorite shores. You who pollute won't be able to hydra fact anymore. Stop, or we'll all be in deep water. It's already up to our knees here at Box B, Bucksville.
ATTENTION BOX B: The Fayetteville Folks For Fairness (4F) Group has appointed me honorary chairman mea culpa of a nomethetic-ad hoc action committee called the Citizens for the Elimination of Box B Ads (CEBA). We feel that the obtund and tabescent nature of the most recent Box B ads suggest a hamartia and complete loss of imputresciblism in the Box B camp. To continue your dionysianary campaign for another four years would only serve to derogate the Fayetteville community and force the 4F Group to eloign themselves even further from your somewhat periphrasitic and certainly unguinous prose. The rather apodictic nature of our approach suggests a facile but very effective utilization of the local media to accomplish our Dantesque objectives. Should further Box B ads appear we will, of course, be left with little alternative but to inform the general public of your misprisionary actions using what ever epiplexis necessary which, I feel certain, will result in your immediate lapidation and explain your subsequent lentiginous appearance!! We strongly urge all local citizens to rally with us in this fight to keep the Classified ad section of the Grapevine as boring, mundane, and socially useless as it could be! Dr. Nick, c/o Box C, Centrist City Concerned Citizens Crisis Committee for Critically Creative Censorship (9C) Group.
UNCLE, DR. NICK- Your dictionary supersedes the Box B edition. We've slobbered all over the desk here trying to discover how bad we've been insulted. We informed our attorney of the slander and he may be joining forces with you. Our only reply is, "Imitation is the highest compliment". Eventually, Even Existentialists Exhort Enough Exigencies to Escape Earth (8E) Group of the Eighties at Box B, Bucksville.
Dr. Nick: I take exception to your words in regard to the Box B advertisements...in other words....your words gave: "merely corroborative detail intended to give artistic verisimilitude to an otherwise bald and unconvincing narrative." Let's hear it for Box B! Sincerely, The Phantom Reviewer.
BOX B - FOR 46 MOONS we see Box B make fool of white man. Box B mouth run like babbling brook and burned baby. Medicine man Doctor Nick drives crazy spirit from Grapevines by kicking crazy ass. Good hunting and dreams, Dr. Nick. Thomas Jumping Rabbit.
ATTENTION BOX B:
Sometimes I sits and I thinks, and sometimes I just sits. Ars Longa Vita
Brevis. Dr. Nick, Box C, Centrist City.
THE JUNGLA CAFE needs breakfast cook to work at the grill. If you have recipes for coconut pancakes, swing into the JUNGLA as the GRILLA. Contact Jane (we won't cheetya) Zartan at the JUNGLA, next door to Box B, Bucksville.
NOTICE: WE CANNOT TAKE most of twentieth century agriculture into the twenty-first century. NO-TILL gardening will have to replace the bare dirt gardens of the past. If you haven't discovered this yet, your answer is blowing in the wind. The AgriShip, Box B, Bucksville.
FOR ECONOMIC REASONS MercyBuck Hospital announces the broadening of its revenue base into the fast food industry by introducing the Mercy Buckburger. Available in three sizes: Quarter Burger, Halfback Burger and Full Buckburger, made of only the finest ingredients and choicest meats. Also coming soon, Grannies Crispy Juicy MegaMeat Morsels, a tantalizing finger food for the discriminating palate. Watch out for it!
MERCYBUCK HOSPITAL announces its new Body Donor Program. Now you may proudly give your body to medical science in order to serve your fellow man. All donations need not be posthumous and are tax-deductible.
WHY TRUST NATURE? Let the Bio-Buddy Organic Computer System regulate your bodily functions. Salivation to micturition, Bio-Buddy does it all. Many styles, from eyeglasses and wristwatches to models suitable for permanent installation in less conspicuous orifices. You'll have electric organs. Bio-Buddy, it's the only way to go go to help you do the things your body needs to do do. Available at MercyBuck Hospital, a subsidiary of Box B, Bucksville.
NOTICE: GENTLE HETEROSEXUAL men will not meet to complain about women, wymyn, gays, minorities, commies, politics, economics and war. What we will do is begin to plan local food production for the next 40 years so all the busy complainers will have enough energy to keep their mouths going. We are looking into the future to see a wonderful life for those who care to share. Box B, Bucksville.
NEW: The Realtors and Developers Cookbook, Things to Eat From Land That Won't Grow Food. Hundreds of testy recipes for Cream of Concrete Soup, Asphalt Aspic, Sidewalk Souffle', Bar-B-Q Bricksket, Creosote Quiche (for real men), Floor Wax Beans, Plaster Pilaf, Sweet and Sour Plastics, and Sewerbraten. Write for Urban Cookfare, Box B, Bucksville.
NEW PRODUCTS from Ever Clever: Mechanics clothespins that look like Vice-Grip Pliers, Permanent Food Wrap, Generic Money, Radium Contact Lenses, Lumederm Skin Brightener, Bucklava, Forty Horsepower Indoor Orchid and Greenhouse Tractor, Dog Food Stamps, Used News, and PLUTEIN PROTONIUM, an old world recipe of rye flour fungus and mule milk for building renaissance bodies that glow in the dark. For worse information, see Box B, Bucksville.
THE FIRST NATURAL Bankruptcy of Bucksville is closing its doors this week while we apply to the Feds for an $83 Million bail-out after we spent all our bucks on the third world nag at the big race track. Please come line up at the door to buy Lottery Tickets from the 1st Natural Bank of Bucksville Dried Fruit and Fun Raisin Sale.
DERBY LOVERS: Did you not bet on the winner? This week only you can spend another buck on Spend a Buck. Every buck wins because we'll spend your bucks on Spend a Buck at Box B, Buckhill Downs.
NOTICE: As land gets more expensive, we'll need to find smaller plots to buy. If I could only afford a few square feet, I would certainly buy a garden, since I can always borrow ground to sleep on. ANY land that will feed us for the next 50 years should be protected from the Buckston Building Corps, which plans to pave paradise and put in a parking lot. For any generous donation, we will send you a receipt worth Fifty Bucks from Box B, Bucksville.
MORE GREAT RECIPES from The Realtors and Developers Cookbook. From land that won't grow food, you can prepare Dumpster Dip, Black Top Burgers, Hash on Roofing (SOS), Harmburgers, Gutter Gumbo, Flagstone Fondue', Gravel Grits and Gravy. You will especially enjoy the Dumpster Dumplings, a Stew You Can't Refuse. If you can't stomach it, Bicarbonate of Sewer is available from Box B, Bucksville.
U2 CAN BE an Artist! The Close Before Striking School of Art. Write Box A, Artsdale.
FRANCLY, having a Yen to make our Mark in the financial world and not Pound ourselves Centless, The First Natural Bankruptcy of Bucksville proudly announces its IRE (Investments Returned Exchanged) Plan. Invest Greenbacks and upon our insolvency you receive computer coded colored currencies. There's no pot of gold at the end of Rainbow Bucks.
WE CAN'T ACCOUNT for the computer failure that glitched the records at The Natural Bankruptcy of Bucksville, so if you have an account here, you can only get $1,000 of it back until we get the new stuff. It's the new "No Account" Account, available only at Box B, Bucksville. (You no can count on you no account account.) Somewhere over the Rainbow Bucksville.
GOOD FINANCIAL Mismanagement begins with poor advertising. Box B, Bucksville, will endorse your goods and services for $500 per column inch. Take advantage of this inflationary offer while times are poor. Contact Bucks Roger, Box B, Bucksville.
METRIC COLLEGE DEGREES! If your IQ is hot or cold or less than 100% the cube of your age, get $1000 to Box C fast. Orders in by the tenth of the month save 10% on orders of 10 or more. Celcius Grab, Box C, Eurobucksville.
ARE YOU FACING another day of picketing abortion clinics, burning books or generally proclaiming the moral superiority of your belief system? Then start your day with a holy bowl of Holy-O's. As part of a nutritious breakfast, Holy-O's are vitamin and chemically fortified to give the needed self-righteous indignation when combating the heathen hordes. That's Holy-O's, the breakfast of Christians (until the Rapture).
DAMURNOSE PIZZA, INC., the only pizza with 100% Limburger cheese, is coming to your neighborhood. We're not fast food, by George, just fast cars, screeching tires, loud music and slow minds. Some think it's a nuisance but to those who eat us it's not. Let us clog your system while we destroy your tranquility. We'll deliver to your neighborhood as soon as we turn on the faucet at City Hall.
FOR SALE: Black Jesus Crucifixes. Send 30 Krugerrands to Box X, Lynchburg, South Africa.
NOTICE NEW STUDENTS: College is experience in the real world (or at least the college part), but what you want to learn is how to party! Sign up now for Party 2001. September is registration for Party Clinic, and October's Party Workshop is required for December's Party Party! For free info, send 50 bucks to Box B, Bucksville, 72702.
MY BOYFRIEND didn't believe that a righteous breakfast bowl would help him deliver till noon. Since he didn't believe, I bought him A The O's Brunch Cereal. Now we're relaxing by the pool at 10:30 on a weekday morning listening to the fizzle and pop of A The O's and Champagne. He doesn't believe he's going to work today, but he does believe in Poppin A The O's for Brunch, cause he always lasts till noon! For those of you who Ate The O's, you won't believe it, by God!
BUY YOUR OWN PRESSBOX! Wanna see the inside of the game? Need penthouse luxury to press all those autumn flowers? Razorbuck Realtors can set you up with the finest in high altitude spread in order to get maximum view. Get on the ball, if that's your game, and see the Pressbox. Contact Pandora, PressBox B, Bucksville.
CUT RATE MARTIAL ARTS are just as effective as the more expensive practices. No brick and board business, we show you just how vulnerable the human is. Send 50 bucks or we'll kick your dog. Write for T'ai Cheap from Sufi Sales, Box B, Knucksville.
THE IRREVEREND BUCKS ROGER announces the first weekly meeting of the Church of the Brethren As Holy this Saturn's Day Night. BYOB. 50 dollar offering mandatory. Please remember, we are not perfect, we are but as Holies.
NOTICE Retired Hippies and everyone else: Are you hypoglycemic and need to have a smoke? Then have a Victual Smokarette, a food flavored tobacco that will satisfy your palate without all those harmful calories of fast food malnutrition. Also try Pizzarettes, Chickerillos and Burgars'. Fresh, frozen and irradiated. Not to be confused with Cigarbage', a trashy smoke of country. Victual Smokarettes from Cigar Box B, Bucksville.
ART CONTEST. Can you connect the dots? . . . . . . . .Send this entry and fifty bucks for a free recommendation to some foreign art school you never heard of, another contest entry, and your name on about 100 mailing lists. Write to the Art Institute for the Criminally Insane, Box B, Bucksville.
LOST YOUR RAZORS? New local service will help you get your Razors back. For more info, send 50 Razorbucks to Box B, Bucksville.
I WAS IN A DAZE in Fayetteville at day's end after my Day Zen Workshop and I stumbled into Box B, Bucksville, for a nightcap. The drinks were lousy but the conversation was great. Where can I find this guy? I have a whole bunch of zany ideas to sell him, and for only 50 bucks. Lotty Dooda Daze, Box Z, Moneyton.
NOTICE: You have read what we will do, now find out what we won't do. For the blank book What We Won't Do For Money, send 50 bucks to Box B, Bucksville.
DON'T BE CAUGHT with a flat tummy and no spare tire. Let Waist Watchers guide you in contemplation of your navel. Know the bulging enlightenment of the Buddha Belly. That's Waist Watchers, for greater standing in the waist line. (Not to be confused with Waste Washers or Box B, Bucksville.
HURRYER FOR HIRE: Got lots of shopping left to do before the big holiday giveaway and not enough time for it all? I've got time to sell and will rush around and do some of your hurrying for you. Sure, I don't know where you are going or why either, but isn't it fun? Don't we feel like we are busy, busy, busy? Call me for an appointment, I might be near the phone in a couple of weeks. No where near the desk at Box B, Bucksville.
NOTICE: Are you hard of head? Need to have information drummed in? Feeling cranially numb at the wrong times? Ken Cussion will knock some sense into your thick skull just in time, but not before you wake up to the fact that we have just withdrawn 2,000 Bucks from your favorite bank account. Thanks, Ken in Cancun, Mexico, for the Box B, Bucksville, staff.
NOTICE: NEED JET propulsion engineers to assist in building rocket sleigh for yearly toy delivery. We must be able to deliver across the north pole faster than that commie Nicholaski, so respond fast to Rocky Claus, c/o Box B, Bucksville.
FOR SALE: 8 reindeer. Low miles, new shoes, easy maintenance delivery system for northern climates. Must sell by March. Rocky Claus, c/o Box B, Bucksville.
COMET INSURANCE: Will Haley's Comet strike the earth? Can you afford to take the chance? Own a piece of the celestial rock. Buy Providential Comet Insurance. Variable rates for head or tail. Near misses not covered. For free info, send 50 bucks to Box B, Bucksville.
THE BOX B, BUCKSVILLE, staff and friends have agreed that the best thing we could all want for Christmas (or any time) is world peace. There is power in the force of our wills combined! If 260 million Americans wanted world peace for Christmas, we bet that governments would get out of our way and an epidemic of good will embrace all peoples. Until we all want the same thing, we will have trouble realizing our ultimate goal. Pray for Peace!