1984 FREAKS: Winston never had it so good. Nowspeaks Box B, Bucksville: Big Mother is watching you.
DEAR CHILDREN, do any of you remember where I put the lovage? Please don't quarrel over me and turn down the fire under the soup. Boys, clean up the bathroom. Love, Big Mother.
The libraries of the IMPARTIALISTIC HEALTH CENTER announce the arrival of Baba Bucks new book How I Learned to Love and Cook Children, or The New Guru Goes Boom Boom in a Hurry. The guy won't be around to autograph books or children. For free literature send $5 to Baba Bucks in the padded Box B, Bucksville.
NOTICE: If enough people believe that we can and will have to use the Nuke, then we may see the decline of the radical left and its' commie peaceniks. Please, it's important that you know and believe this because you may be the One Hundredth Moron that will make the big difference. Nuke 'em Now. This ad done by Box B, Bucksville, for the money.
BIG CLEARANCE SALE: That's rat, we gat a mess of stuff here to get rid of including Five Day Deodorant Diapers, Fossil Flakes, Human Collars, Arctic Air, Dog Food Stamps, 0 Power Binoculars, Organic Cars and several copies of Levelyn Crabgrass' Speedweeding Course. Bring money and a truck to Box B, Bucksville.
FREE SAMPLES: The message came by drum last night that activite Simon Samples was arrested by the thought police for vagrancy and intellectual loitering. Please help the rest of us get over it by sending $50 to Free Samples in care of Box B, Bucksville.
HEY GIRLS! There's a new hunk on the staff here who's single, tan and gorgeous, so lay off while we lay on. The women at Box I, Gropephville.
YOUR GREATEST POWER is your power to choose. Don't wait to be forced to pay, exercise your power to choose to send $50 to Box B, Bucksville, before your time is up. We have ways of collecting, you know.
NOTICE to interesting party: Have trade secrets for sale or trade. It is only appropriate to tell the truth about the great Big Science. Contact Softwear Fringineering at the outer edges of Box B, Bucksville.
JOGGERS AND RUNNERS: Having knee and/or ankle problems? Learn to run at the mouth. Now you can get all the exercise you need over coffee or on the phone. Come on buy and we'll talk a mile or two here at Box B, Bucksville.
FOR SALE: Beachyacht. Great view of ocean, close to schools and mall, tiny lawn has only a small amount of grass to cut, privacy before sunrise, may need some plumbing work, $35 sq/in. Pirates Point Used Boats, Key East, FL.
"NO SWEAT" Temporary Help. Specializing in incompetent help to government agencies and bumbling bureaucracies. Guaranteed to exceed budget allocations and take three month vacations at the wrong time of the year. Contact the "No Sweat" Hogs at Box B, Bucksville.
PORTABLE ELECTRIC STONEHENGE KIT glows in the dark during Equinox and Solstice to indicate the date four times a year. Guaranteed to exist when properly aligned and plugged in. Write: Stoners, Box B, Bucksville. Shipping wt. 50 million tons.
GRITCH FOR SALE: I object to being subjected to the agonizing truth behind Box B, Bucksville. Is there no dignity in the mundane classified pages of yore? That group must be from Box B, Wierdsville.
TIMEPIECE KEEPERS are anti-loss devices worn in the pocket to prevent negative acquirement of valuable watches. The only known source is Beirut, Lebanon, and for a limited time we can still get them out. Buy the Timepiece Keepers gotten out of Lebanon it may be late too. Watch in, Box B, Bucksville.
EARTHQUAKE DAMAGE is no problem if you know where not to live. Be sharp, not shook. Fault Finder allows the owner/operator to locate Mother Natures' embarassing cracks in the Continental Plate. This marbleous tool is on sale for only $5,050.50 from Box B, Bucksville. We think you'll find no fault with Fault Finder.
CHIPS FOR CHARLES: If your name is Charles and you would like to join my new scam to scrape up some scratch, please write to Bucks for Chucks or Chucks for Bucksville.
NE0-GARDENERS NOTICE: A recently discovered 8,000 year old practice of non-till gardening has turned up in Fayetteville. Pseudo-professional service by worm powered tiller. Slightly Soily Sam the Garden Nurse.
PROGRAMMERS/OPERATORS: Mystified by smooth, glitch-free computer functions? Suffer no more hassle-free operations with our new, guaranteed strain of experienced Computer Bugs, viri that'll have your system down more than ever. Contact Microbug, Box B, Bugsville.
CONSUMERS: Feel guilty for spending money you don't have? Well, it's all right this time because we want to extend to you a new line of Discredit. You may receive your punishnment in regular monthly installments. Contact Sado Massacharge c/o Box B, Bucksville.
GLACIER REPELLENT: Keep dangerous icebergs from drifting through your garden and bathrooms. In 18-wheel containers only, minimum order 4, please. Caution: also repels rain, rivers and oceans. May be habit forming. Contact the desert rat at Sandbox B, Bucksville.
LOST OUR LEAST: That's rat, thrown out and moving to a barn. We need to release the old office at higher cost lest we lease at least less and release the lien to Barn B, Bucksville.
LERN TO WRITE DIRTY. Contact Pen $oil Corp. c/o Box B, Bucksville.
INVESTORS NEEDED to carry fashion line of fur-lined lead underwear and hot new line of rad-waste products. Capitalize on the marketing of nuclear wastes to consumer goods. You'll glow with pride in this radiant new business. Glownad Enterprises, Box B, Bucksville.
SURPLUS MONEY HANDLERS: Have you thrown out all your flashlights because everything you own glows in the dark? Then you qualify for Half Life Insurance from/for the nuclear industry. A person is wealthy in proportion to the amount of insurance they don't buy. Remember, there must be fifty bucks to leave your lover. Glownad Insurance Agency, Box B, Bucksville.
FOR SALE: Asocial statements and banalogies: I love my wok; Happiness is a warm food processor; Mayonnaise spreader; You ain't shit if you ain't a meat grinder; Love a duck soup; Strawberry patch dolls and cream; That was great, now run over my other foot ; I survived the Fayetteville Roto-Tiller Massacre. These and more on bumper sticker and T-shirt not available from Box B, Bucksville.
THE TEST of a first rate intelligence is to hold two opposed ideas in your mind at the same time and still retain your capacity to function. You should, for example, be able to see that things are hopeless and yet be determined to make them otherwise. -- F. Scott Fitzgerald for Box B, Bucksville.
THE SOCIETY FOR AMERICAN NUKINEERS recommends Point Blank Nukes in the U. S. Arsenal. If we don't have the guts to stand in their faces and set off the big one while handing it to them, we aren't real men. Nukephoria for Ya.
THE DOCTOR of the future will give no medicines but interest his/her patient in the care of the human frame, in diet, and in the cause and prevention of disease. T. Edison for Box B, Bucksville.
BIG DEAL NEAL here with this year's last chance to pick up on the personal dynamism necessary to get what you really want. Today only, and for a mere $1000, I'll teach you how to have the guts to ask for half of it back. Gimme a try, Box B, Bucksville.
THE GREATEST REVOLUTION in our generation is that human beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of their lives. William James for Box B, Bucksville.
THE BOX is now collecting donations for the James T. What-Me-Worry Memorial Fund, a consciousmess dedicated to converting natural resources to big bucks (not deer). Sponsored by the Siesta Club and Box B, Bucksville.
ANTI-NOSEGAY? Only Septal deviates need reply. Soldiers of Nasal-Olfactory Taunts (SNOT).
THINK GLOBALLY but act locally. Thinking at a global level is a useful and exciting intellectual activity, but no substitute for the work needed to solve practical problems at home. If we really want to contribute to the welfare of humankind and of our pl anet, the best place to start is in our own community, and its fields, rivers, marshes, coastlines, roads and streets, as well as with its social problems. Rene Dubos for Box B, Bucksville.
RENT-AN-AD. If you had been paying attention and fifty dollars per column inch, we would be endorsing your goods or services NOW and we'd all be getting rich faster so don't you think it's about time you rented an endorsement from Box B, Bucksville?
NON, National Organization of Nobodies, announces membership drive. Become a NON person. Nobodies please reply. Join this month for bonus subscription to ANON, Nobodies favorite magazine. Don't leave home with it. Contact No-one at Box B, Bucksville.
LOOKS LIKE DRIVERS LICENSE, feels like doggy chew toy. Hand this custom card to your local sheriff for big surprise. Comes in soggy brown wrapper from Box B, Bucksville.
BEWARE the Attack of the Tiller Worms! See frenzied Lumbricus devour mountains of matter! Be amazed at the earth made wholey! See agri-business moguls cringe! Starring castings of thousands. Now showing at a garden near you.
HEY BIG MONEY makers: have 10,000 green magic markers for sale or trade, and 3 X 5 foot sheets of paper ready for marking, so let's make BIG MONEY.
THE HOT BOX B proud to announce a new number arriving next January. For intimate information, send fifty bucks to Box B, Bucksville.
THIS CLASSIFIED section is going to conduct a test of the Emergency Wantad System. This is only a test ad. Whirr.......Squeell........ If this had been an actual emergency you would have been instructed to bring, rather than send, fifty bucks to Box B, Bucksville.
NOTICE: For those of you who sent for the Speed Forgetting Course in 1982, I forgot to send those out. Now it's test time and if you want to pass the course you need to send $50 right away to Box B, Bucksville, for some reason.
FOR A SMOOTH, clear perplexion, feel guilt and fear for not using new Nonplus Skin and Body Mystifier. Available now thru Puzzle Products Discomstributors, Box B, Bucksville.
BUCKSTON U. HAS CAREER OPENING for new, used and unused Unused, Used and New Users used to using the Used Uses. You'll be trained to let go of the used Uses and teach yourself and others the New and Unused Uses. If you can remain as constant as change, here's a chance to get some change out of the constant. Write to the Change Gang, Box B, Bucksville.
CASH IN on the deal of the century! That's right, there's still time in this decade to send your fifty bucks CASH IN to Box B, Bucksville, (which, of course, we think is the deal of the century).
THE BIOLOGY DEPT. of Buckston U. has discovered blind ants and thought they'd see what the matter is and it appears at first that something is blocking their vision but closer examination reveals nothing is really there so they need a couple hundred million bucks to study this ant eye matter down in the new lab we need to build next to the new sports complex we'll obviously build first next door to Box B, Bucksville.
PLAN SALE: You need to make plans for this sale because we plan to plan a Plan Sale. Our first plan is to see who will plan to send fifty bucks to Box B, Bucksville, so we can afford to plan some Plans for sale. For more plans, plan to plan it on the planet.
INCREASE YOUR SEX APPEAL! She did it, he did it, they did it, you can do it too. Just send fifty bucks to Box B, Bucksville. It's the IN thing to do this year.
THE FIRST NATURAL BANK OF BUCKSVILLE announces Deficit Savings Accounts for the Big Credit Spender, the Chubby Checker Account for minimum balances over $50,000, and the Busy Buck Account for hunting investors who hold dear their dough. Contact any one of the 147 Vice Presidents c/o Box B, Bucksville.
NOTICE TIRED BACKS: Does your lumbar feel as stiff as lumber? Well, now you can prop and support the lower part of the spine in the forest or the city with Lumbar Jack, your Back's Best Friend. Boney Back Guarantee from Box B, Bucksville.
THE CLASSICAL MONEY SHOW is now being broadcast for your spending enjoyment. for more details on how to tune in, send an L note to Johann Sebastian Buck, c/o Box B, Bucksville.
THE SURGEON AVERAGE at MercyBuck Hospital announces the latest Cosmopolitan Grape Diet, guaranteed to help you lose weight enjoyably. Persons on the diet will learn proper exercise and rest, eat grapes in the morning, raisins for lunch, and have all the wine they can drink for dinner. Dieters who don't lose weight won't care. For more info, send or bring a bottle of bubbly to Box B, Bucksville.
NOTICE: BOX B FAN CLUB to meet in Grapevine parking lot. If you get there first, put a red X on the pavement. If I get there first, I'll rub it out. Remember, you're not so poor that you can't afford to pay attention, or pay respects (and fifty bucks) to Box B, Bucksville.
LAWNDOLLAR LIQUIDATORS has sold for gold the snail for sale, but has a shell to sell, a tent to rent, the stash for cash, trucks for bucks and possibly mice to meese, but the least you can do is lease these lice for lease next door to Box B, Bucksville.
INTRINSIC ADVERTISING exists within the Grapevine and without any visible means of support. In and out of these minds and offices come and go many ideas and idiots that turn the writing staff on and off. You may think this is an easy job, but you don't have to hang around in front of Box B, Bucksville.
AFTER LIFE INSURANCE: Insure your immortality. We guarantee you'll know where to find the key to the pearly gates. You collect double indemnity if Saint Pete doesn't recognize you. Come by and pay your premium while you're able, not libel. Holy Baloney, Box B, Bucksville.
RIPOFFS FOR HIRE: $300/hour, no job too large or small to goof around at. Contact the pros hanging out around in front of Box B, Bucksville.
NOTICE COMMERCIALISTS! The new highway is coming. Get involved now to CAPITALIZE on gambling, football mania, trucking concerns, commercial re-zonings, tax shelters and write-offs galore. BIG BUCKS to be made before the money pops. Send FIFTY BUCKS in any form but checks, cash or money orders to Box B, Bucksville.
WANTED: Newspaper or magazine to publish Box B, Bucksville. The staff here sends regrets that we can't support this local weekly because of holdups in the fifty dollar cash flow. Now, if you haven't sent your fifty bucks to Box B, Bucksville, for all that stuff you ordered, then send it to the offices of the Grapevine (address enclosed) and keep our little bubble from bursting. We don't want to leave the penthouse in the hills and go back to New York and print this wonderfully unique humor in giant papers that swallow us up. BOX B, BUCKSVILLE NEEDS THE GRAPEVINE, DO YOU? (Ed's note: Of course you do. And just to prove it, we'll even stop stealing the mail from Box B, Bucksville.)
The Accounting Staff at Box B, Bucksville, assumes that you will all want to send us $50 right away since you already assume that we are making incredible amounts of money anyway and so what's another fifty bucks?
NOTICE: Take advantage now of the little known fact that, regardless of where you stand on the planet, there is an infinite number of absolute ups. Every location is different, but up always feels the same even though/because we don't occupy the same space. For an invaluable certificate guaranteeing you your own private up and instructions on how to use it, send fifty bucks to Box B, Bucksville.
We sure do hear a lot of people say they moved to Northwest Arkansas to get away from city traffic and expressways. Well, if we get a new road to Van Buren we'll also need Bottled Air and Water, Forest Incense, and Silence Tapes. Now, the new road may never happen, so if you are one of those who want it and can't have it, then we'll be producing Bottled Pollution, Carbon Monoxide Incense, and Traffic Noise Tapes. Contact Pleezall Productions, next door to Box B, Bucksville.
THE FIRST MEETING of the HIP (Health Interested Persons) Generation will commence soon to discuss the upcoming Clinic Clinic. Come prepared to plan some plans for a Seminar Seminar and a Workshop Workshop, after which we'll start the Party Party. Bring your HIPs to Box B, Bucksville.
ROGER HONKY, The Bioregional Director of Future Intra Urban Affairs, researching alternatives to megaxpressways, recommends the elimination of all gas and diesel motor vehicles in favor of pedal and quadripedal powered coaches and wagons. Working under a grant from the Bucksville Foundation, Honky is investigating modern railroad transportation systems and the conversion of present expressways to future uses. As a first step in improving America's roads, he has proposed renaming U.S. 71, between Fayetteville and Alma, the National Scenic Mule Route. For more info, contact the Twenty Mule Team Bozo in care of Box B, Bucksville.
NOTICE: Attend the benefit Wednesday night. Support local industry and press. Hear live music here. Meet your friends. Enjoy imported brewarts. Send fifty bucks to Box B, Bucksville, next door to the Back Forty.
STRESSED OUT? Drop everything and take off for the stores or your favorite mail order house. Spend the little money you have while it's still spendable. It'll sure make you feel better, and if you spend it at Box B, Bucksville, it'll make us feel a lot better, too. Remember, when the going gets tough, the tough go shopping.
SHOVEL SYSTEM ANALYST needed to fill a hole in employment ranks for Terravoid Deexcavation Engineer. If you have a license to operate a pick, we'll pick you. When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. Contact Box B, Bucksville, (no personal contact please).
BRONTOROBICS is the reinvention of the world's oldest form of exercise. You can reduce those prehistoric deposits of fat in only a few days. You'll be TerraTactile. You can expect to Dyna Soar. Write for free demonstration. Box B, Bucksville.
RESEARCHERS at Bucksville University have discovered near toxic amounts of poisons in, and issuing from, TV sets. The original research was an inspection of canned fish. During daytime work in the lab, one test was conducted in front of TV drama MercyBuck Hospital and the poison meters rose dramatically. Until more info is gathered, the researchers warn, stay away from the TV tunas.
THE FIRST NATURAL Bank of Bucksville will soon be installing new computer operated Telloids to replace the ancient Tellers at the windows. The Fed has done us a big favor and printed new money that has bargraph language (like your checks) so machines can read it and we can dispense it to you with new-age speed. Look for the money change around the first of February and bring in all those no good Federal Reserve Notes to exchange for New Dollars. Note: If you have lots of fifties and hundreds, better have a few good excuses.
COUCH POTATOES are people too. Why, just last week my wife gave birth to a perfectly healthy Couch Potatoe Chip. Most importantly, we don't discriminate against the other vegetables that fondle TV tunas, especially the ones that don't even have to get off the couch. Remember, Heaven is remote control and great institutions like Box B, Bucksville.
THE ACCOUNTING computer staff and surgeons at MercyBuck Hospital proudly announce the successful transplant of a human heart into a computerized robot. The robot is listed in fair condition, and when asked how it felt, stated, "I sure would like to drink a can of 30 weight oil". The transplant comes in response to thousands of requests from bill payers for the accounting department to "have a heart." The Surgeon Average at MercyBuck proposes a gene transplant soon, indicating a need for a new pair of genes in accounting since the seats are worn out of their present genes. For more info, request Jeanetic Engineering, Box B, Bucksville.
THE GREGORIAN DUDE RANCH announces the Humbug Choir in tribute to Moses' commandment to not kill. Directed in its entirety by the impeccable Great Spirit, all are swept up in bliss at the majestic horn section and the 37 million voice chorale. The conclusion of the first performance will be followed by several hours of silence while the audience gets it together. An invitation to join the choir is extended to all mortals. Please, don't hesitate to stop what you are doing (even if you are building freeways for the military government) and step outside when the biggest show in 3,000 years comes to your home planet. Tickets are not available at Box B, Bucksville.
A TEAM OF surgeons and housekeeping personnel at MercyBuck Hospital proudly announce the transplanting of an atomic powered artificial chimpanzee heart into the successful clone of a genetically engineered human product of artificial insemination with a porcine surrogate. To further such valuable service to humanity, send your tax deductible fifty bucks to the MercyBucks Ethical Research Fund at Box B, Bucksville.
WARNING: THE NATION'S defense is at stake. What good is a new highway if it's commandeered by the Ruskies? Tell your Congressman to protect our great country. Let's sacrifice one tiny piece of non-strategic expressway for the common good. SAVE THE B-1, BOMB I-71.