MAKE A New Year's Resolution you can keep. Send $20 to Box B, Bucksville.
IS BOX B, Bucksville, able to survive 1983 in the midst of Reaganomics? Send $20 to find out.
THE STAFF at Box B, Bucksville, assumes no responsibility for any action taken in response to reading fiction and Box B.
DUCKOLATOR, Inc. is now in the business of delivering migratory birds that are lost or just too lazy to fly. Why walk or fly? Sooner or later you'll call Duckolator, Box B, Bucksville.
FOR SALE: 19 old Titan II Missiles. These outstanding relics will more than provide an adequate amount of protection to your backyard pool or bar-b-q. No one will enter where there is posted the sign: Warning, Bad Nuke. Bad dogs will be a thing of the past. Contact the Deployment Insecurities Devision of the State of Confusion. Please Note: One missile needs reassembling after losing its' head near Damascus. Call the Duke of Nuke, Box B, Nukedville.
BOX B, Bucksville, announces the opening of The College of Want Advertising. Enrollment begins with any donation over $100 or anything else of value we want. For more information, bring anything of value to Box B, Bucksville.
The College of Want Advertising announces the Home Study Course designed to change the faces of classified pages and anyone who reads it. Watch these ads and learn. Tuition is $50 and must be sent NOW to Box B, Bucksville.
GOLDIE DREADLOCKS and the Three Hogs warn: Watch out for the Rastaman of Fayettenam. Kif-Sooie.
WE HEARD A RUMOR the other day indicating resistance to the tiny fifty dollar charge for the Want Advertising Course and it's not true. You will send the fee and you will like it because we like you here at Box B, Bucksville.
AGGRESSIVE ADVERTISING. Write a fifty dollar check to Box B, Bucksville, before you buy this or that, go here or there or enjoy such and such, or by god we'll choke it out of you, you hear? Be sure to watch for the course since you paid for it.
TEMPORARY ADVERTISING. Since this lesson won't be here next week read it now while you can and before you leave, be sure to drop a fifty dollar check in the mail to cover the costs of advertising this exciting and rewarding course in Want Advertising, Box B, Bucksville.
NOTICE: I recently inherited a yard full of snow and had it stored for immediate use. If you have freezer space, now is the time to stock up for the scorching summer ahead. Get it while it's cold, Cryocottage Industries, Box B, Bucksville.
QUANTUM ADVERTISING. This ad exists here only because you are up there reading it now. After you've read it, you and the ad will cease to exist but the Box B Home Study Course will continue next week after we receive your unexpected donation of fifty dollars here at Bucksville, U.S.A.
IF THIS AD was thrown into the woods alone and no one read it, would you still send fifty dollars to Box B, Bucksville?
METAPHYSICAL ADVERTISING. Zen and the Art of Want Ads has been a long time coming, so this weeks' ad koan is: What is the sound of one hand writing a fifty dollar check to Box B, Bucksville.
THIS IS A SOFT AD written in the hope of distracting you for a few moments and tickling whatever may be touched by the feather between the lines of Box B, Lovesville.
REDICULOUS ADVERTISING. Sometimes you'll see hard to read or understand ads that sells who knows what so don't be suckered into something you don't Want Advertising Course for only fifty dollars to Box B, Bucksville.
MAIL ORDER hypnosis, breakfast, medical diagnosis, massage, auto repair, dentures, plumbing installed and a thousand other amazing or impossible goods and services. Send $15 for free catalog to Box B, Bucksville.
SILLY ADVERTISING is here to do nothing more than attract your attention and waste a few precious moments of your day. Now that you are back from the Chautauquad, return to the mundanity with a smile and fifty dollars credit towards the Box B, Bucksville, Home Study Course in Want Advertising.
NEED TO FEEL SILLY? Millions do and finding no relief suffer all their lives. Read this ad again and see if you don't feel silly. Better yet, send $100 to Box B, Bucksville, if you need to feel real silly.
INVISIBLE ADVERTISING: This is actually a blank space on the page. Very few people will see what is printed here. If you are one of the fortunate, you may qualify for acceptance into Moronsa, one of the worlds' societies. Send $50 for application blank to Box B, Bucksville.
IMPULSIVE ADVERTISING. We wrote this ad in a hurry to beat publication deadlines but the lesson is simple. Think about what you've got to sell and how you're gonna advertise it before you write the ad and the precision will convince people to send $50 to Box B, Bucksville.
STOP THE PRESS The entire 8 weeks of the Home Study Course in Want Advertising is now being offered for only $3.95 while supplies last. This limited offer is good only till lunch if we're not already out to lunch at Box B, Bucksville.
BEAVER BOTTOM Estates now selling choice unreal estate below Beaver Lake. Farmers and hemp growers take note - imagine the fertility! ̉Don't wait for the flush, buy now and avoid the rush." Call your unreal estate agent at Box Beav, Oceanbottom Building, Fadeville.
CITIZENS for the Restriction of Arkansas Pollution (CRAP) asks that all sentient beings (chickens and cattle not excluded) protect our environment by withholding bodily wastes for weekly intervals. Don't lay waste, constipaste". (Please withhold tax-deductible donations.)
NOTICE: Nations will judge themselves by rigid laws and standing armies and think weak those nations without same. In time to come, those nations with faith and strength in love and brotherhood shall be stronger, and it shall be in heaven as it is on Earth. If we learn affiliation and brotherhood on Earth, we shall find it in heaven. The same applies to nations as well as individuals. Not excluded is Box B, Bucksville.
GARAGE SALE: Holds two cars and a lot of junk. Not portable. Take a hard right on Line Drive after six. The Box, Box B, Bucksville.
The Box B Home Study Course in Want Advertising is over and it's finals time. We know you all are a lot wiser now and we are a lot wealthier and you pass the test if you send $50 before we leave for the Caribbean on a 6 month cruise. The ever appreciative staff at Box B, Bucksville.
NOTICE: Need experienced swimming pool repossessor to start now. Must have own trans. am shovel. Call Big Deal Neal, Box B, Bucksville.
FREE ADVICE: Don't take advice unless you take our word for it and pay BIG MONEY for it. The more you pay, the more it's worth. For better advice, send more money. For ultimate advice, send all you have to Box B, Bucksville.
NOTICE this sign of the times. For centuries religion has taught makind to fear most the "wrath" that comes down from above. In the last three decades the State Departments have led us to fear atomic wrath instead, but it still comes down from up. There is no fear of the Soviets or anyone at Box B, Bucksville.
MAKE BIG MONEY in big buildings. Home skyscraper kits can be assembled and mail ordered from your home or shop for big profits. Tonnage Industries, Box B, Bucksville.
WIN BIG embarassment in New Ozark Loitery. Bring cash, checks or money orders to the guys hanging out in front of Box B, Bucksville.
NOTICE: Continual poisoning of our water supply is suicide. The most feasible future city waste treatment will be land distribution. Besides, who's going to notice a worm kill?
JOB OPPORTUNITY: Need trainable person with patience and good vision to serve as seeing eye human for blind dog. Contact: Emperor Fido, Box B, Bucksville.
SMALL Animal Repair. Four minutes experience. Deferences. Send no skunks to Box B, Bucksville.
JUST THINK: If we had to handle our water, gasoline and sewage in gallon bottles indoors we'd have a healthier respect for our many comings and goings. It is a privilege to have modern piping and plumbing, yet we abuse it. Shall we make our water as nasty as our sewage?
BUSINESS Success starts with good advertising and ends with a penthouse in the Bahamas. Help all my dreams come true by sending two or three thousand dollars to Box B, Bucksville.
THE PARTIALISTIC HEALTH Center announes the acquisition of several tons of equipment which allows us to see the auras around your kitchen and bathroom appliances. For appointment contact Curlingiron Photography, Box B, Bucksville.
WONDER: True carnivores have a digestive tract three times their body length. Humans, like other vegetarians, are 11 times gut length to body length. Why do humans eat flesh? We don't hesitate to put vegetarian manure on our gardens but wouldn't think of using human manure or even domestic pet manure that has been fed human made refined food. What is the natural diet for humans that doesn't render our waste so fetid? Could waste water treatment benefit from human diet treatment?
TRUCK FARMS introduces the small pickup garden for those with limited time, space and money. Just think, you could have fresh salad while waiting for a traffic light or give a migrant farmer a job and a ride at the same time. For lunch or more information, put your hoe down at Box B, Bucksville.
Take HIGH INTEREST in the Box B MONEY MARKET farm. Invest in SOLID FUTURES while the time is right. The First Natural Bank of Bucksville is now open to give you the business. Open your first credit checkout account today.
BARK: It is difficult to express the loneliness at the summer removal of 15,000 cars rolling on 60,000 potential yellow walled tires in front of the Main. Formally Orphaned Pets, we are now The University Street Pack of Mad Dogs.
THE Box B, Bucksville, Fan Club meeting is cancelled this month because the member is out of town. Remember, wherever you go, that's where you're at.
THE MONEY you spend to make yourself laugh is the money we like best here at Box B, Bucksville.
LEARN MAGIC the hard way. Send $100 to Box B, Bucksville, or you'll turn into the frog of your choice.
THE CIVIL MIND PATROL encourages closet meditators to come out and into the streets for a big anti-protest protest and rally wax with deep shine karma carnauba and third eye and ear check.
FOR SALE: Lost Finder. Have you found it? I lost it. No reward, no calls, do not return, do not pass go, don't call me, I'll call you from Box B, Bucksville.
ATTN. BEEROIDS: Keg Party Lists for sale. Send $10 for 4-1/2 months of brew at someone else's expense. Don't mention that you got it from Box B, Bucksville.
IMPORTANT: Need good used automatic transmission weapons to point at countercultural people who drive illegal cars. You'll be detered because my weapon's bigger than your weapon, whether or not you have it for sure. Contact Force 13 from Canniberone.
NOTICE: Need mice for time research. Capable climbers qualify for insurance paid employment. Guaranteed easy job, no injuries. Contact Hickory Dickory Clock Works next door to Box B, Bucksville.
NOTICE: Have 110 thousand copies of Box B, Bucksville ready for the historial and collectors' market at inflated prices. Shop early for pre-framed, ready to hang gilt-edged brass replicas guaranteed to last all day. If you're really cool, you'll host the big presentation party where the author will rubber stamp copies for free. See you at the top, Box B.
NOTICE: Have old, new, used, unused, new used and used new Old and New signs will sell or trade for new Use, Unused, New Used and Used New signs. Will sell or trade old New Used and Used New signs for new Old and New signs. Contact Box B, Bucksville, for the Sign of the Times.
HEY YOU... Political asylum, religious sanction, business amenities, tax exemptions and unlimited credit needed by these offices to conduct quasi-public investigation as to why people don't send more money to Box B, Bucksville.
SPEED READING AD: Read this ad faster, faster, faster, faster, faster, faster, faster, faster, faster, faster, faster, faster, faster, FASTER, FASTER. All right, that was really fast. Now, since you did so good, for only $19.95 we'll send you Part 2 of the Speed Reading Course from Box B, Bucksville.
NOTICE: Are you heavy duty? Worried about orientation, initiation and being 'pitted' against the backdrop of Sweathogs and pig rallies? Then we have the answer for you. Pigtown Reodorant Spray in 5 gallon non-aerosol buckets for only $149.95 while it lasts from the fragrant folks here at Box B, Bucksville.
THE PARTIALISTIC HEALTH Center anounces Aura Fluffing, Sonic IVs, Egg Amulets, Slam Yoga and seminars on the Power of Positive Indecision as soon as Swami Raja gets off his asteroid and makes up a schedule. We welcome students and can offer you 15% until the day after school starts here at Box B, Bucksville.
MAIL ORDER ARGUMENTS: You didn't pay your $10 fee for last month's argument and...what do you mean it's in the mail? You didn't send it and we are not sending this month's argument until we get last month's payment...yes, you will or we aren't Box B, Bucksville.
WANTED: Portable lake to take to Phoenix for fraternity picnic. Must have trailer and skis, will pay extra to get forest and small town (with cheap motel) in the deal. Contact the animals melting down in the Smelth House, Box Bad, Buxville.
MAKE BIG MONEY. Print your own five by three foot dollar bills. Unproven method and cheap machinery we will sell you will make you and your friends laugh when you pay for a night at Maxim's with a wheelbarrow full of brand new Big Money, from Box B Big, Bucksville.
LEASE A VACATION. The staff of Box B needs a break and has more time than money so if you have more money than time, we'll take the vacation of your lifetime to Exotic Island Casino and Sailboat Rental of the Indies. Write Rent-a-Trip, Box B, Bucksville.
ANGELS COUNTED, nits picked, hairs split, bushes and drums beaten, horses repainted, pearls cast, candles burnt on both ends, sows' ear purses and swords beaten to plowshares. For minute details contact little tiny Box B, Bucksville.
BOX B is asking the PSC (Pseudo Service Commission) for a rate increase. We believe it is necessary because increased costs of ski vacations, Bahamian cruises and jet setting is threatening how we rate and it is gauche not to be seen in Aspen, Martinique and the Riviera at the right times of the year. Besides, the bank says we can't cut into our 300 million dollar profit margin because it changes our investment policies and that would make our fellow jet-setters angry so we need more money and you will just have to pay more to read these ad columns. We say we are sorry but we know you will just accept it because we are the ONLY Box B, Bucksville.
NOTICE: Scientists have discovered that the pyramids are only 42 year old imitation sandstone billboard pasteups designed originally to attract desert warriors to a local pub for purposes undisclosed. Thousands of beer bottles found along a twelve mile track in either direction of the pyramidal structures indicate the possibility of an eight lane highway that terminated in huge parking lots where millions more are expected to be found. Further evidence shows that the pyramids were not assembled by mirrors and screwjacks. For worse information, write or call Box B, Bucksville.
BOX B, BUCKSVILLE, has been read by over 47 people in the country and is published non-nationally in under two periodicals. The staff wishes to take advantage of anyone who contributed material or money and we'll put your name on one of those mailing lists so you'll get lots of junk mail just like we do here and there you go from Box B.
NOTICE: Need to rent good used dynamite or small nuclear devices for big blow-out at the Frat House. If you're interested in celebrating all the great atomic destruction we can wreak upon our planet, follow the mushroom cloud by day and the glow by night to Nukemnowee don't have much time. Not affiliated with Box B, Bucksville.
THE SURGEON Average of Box B, Bucksville, announces the elimination of all electric diagnostic machines in the clinic here to revert to the standard look, touch, smell and listen method so popular until physicians forgot how. Besides, in the latter part of the 19th century, any physician using any kind of electric tool was consideed a quack. The old fashioned way won't return, it will never be forgotten.
CONTEST: Please submit soon your nomination for which American nukeman should have his image carved into the great Mt. Nukemore. This heroic action will take place concurrently with the SAPT (Strategic Arms Proliferation Talks) to be held in the Nukodrome in Nukeland. Send all entries to Box B, Bucksville. Remember, Nuke Now, Pay Later.
NOTICE: We got together to thank all the students who drove those beautiful tires back onto the roads around the University for the pleasure. We miss you during the summer. The University Street Pack of Mad Dogs.
THE EVER REVERENT Staff of Fayetteville's favorite fictional farcity has discovered a new religion growing by leaps and bounds. A group of GNIOB worshippers are jumping up and down chanting 'boing', claiming that unless one repent and be boing again...and other flamboingant claims etc., we claim that their claims do not necessarily represent the staff of Box B, Bucksville, but we will take a closer look.
THE LEMMING TRAVEL AGENCY invites you to take the Disaster Vacation of a Lifetime. Through November you may have your choice: Burning Hotel Siesta, Sinking Ship Criuise, Gliding Jetliner or the Casey Jones Memorial Train Discovery all for the same low price. Convenient one-way fare means lower costs for this years last trip. Prayer books available from Box B, Bucksville.
EARLY MORNING TENNIS players notice. If you can't keep it over the net because you don't have time for breakfast, don't let hunger ruin your game when you can play to win with Racket Cakes, whole wheat balls that don't bounce as well as they taste. Your opponent will soon have the same advantage so rush on down to the local baker and order a couple dozen energizng Racket Cakes and serve early breakfast with love. Available at Donat and Prier's Donuts and Tires next door to Box B, Bucksville.
DING BOING: Good day, I'm your local Boingananda Disciple with a message for anyone in this household who fears the atomic boing. It should be remembered that the Boingeoisie who hang out on Martha's Boingyard in Winneboingos are not all Nukephiliacs and that we are relatively safe as long as paranukation is not advantageous to the boing National Product, or their stock boinger recommends it postponed till spring. Please remember the Zen Boingitation that will keep us safe as nukeboing babies, Boing Here Now. Oh, by the way, can you spare a quarter to help feed the starving Razorboingers at Box Boing Boingville?
NOTICE: Need ambitious person or persons who would like to earn $100,000 a year to come and hang out around here after you find such a job and we'll buy some beer and play records while we think of ways to finance silly movies and Box B, Bucksville.
THE SURGEON AVERAGE of Box B, Bucksville, announces the elimination of all drugs and placebos in the clinic here to revert to the standard herb, food and fasting methods so popular before the chemical industries bought all the farms. Besides, clean air, water and food (or the best you can get) are our best medicines. Remember, until lenses were created that would allow us to see microbes, we thought diseases were due to evil spirits, not evil germs. They are both invisible to the naked eye, sewage is not. Ever notice that the miracles of modern medicine are only as old as modern plumbing?
PERSONAL WANT-AD: Mom, our class is on a field trip to the next galaxy. Please keep dinner warm and let Garface out. Do you need a couple million tons of asteroid slag? Thanks and send $20 to Professional Home Letterwriters, Inc., c/o Box B, Bucksville.
NEW RECIPES: Never before published. The Burn Book. Legitimate recipes with the time and temperature all out of wack. We busy Americans have better things to do than watch the pot boil, so put some food on the stove and sit down to enjoy the paper. Remember, where there's smoke, there's dinner. Get 'em before they're carbon from Box B, Bucksville.
THE PARTIALISTIC HEALTH CENTER announces the acquition of several hundred pounds of Stellar Tea, a delicious nighttime drink that will change your chemistry and your watch when mixed with a little Milky Way. Everything you've always wanted in nocturnal niceties is snug in the mug. It's so simple, just brew in jars under the stars. Mention this ad for a laugh and a free 50 pound bag of Vietnamese orange rice.
NOTICE: What with Generic Comix providing 22% of your RDA (Recommended Daily Amount) of laughter and Box B with 18%, that means you gotta get the other 60% somewhere else. If you have trouble finding it, you can get another 50% for 50 bucks from the clowns at Box B, Bucksville.
THE DAY AFTER was a challenging movie but left us with the notion that limited nuclear war is possible and survivors will be mobile within a few days. Please don't be fooled by this, it would be much worse. There will be little left except the radiation immune staff here who will sell you the secret for fifty bucks. Write to the solid lead Box B, Bucksville.
NOTICE: Are you poor, hungry, in a hurry and tired of having to borrow sandwiches? The Bucks Burger is now taking applications to qualify locals for Fast Food Stamps, since all you eat is junk anyway. Brought to you by the Chicken in the Box B, Bucksville .
NOTICE: The dispatcher in Bucksville has received numerous reports of speeding Burger-T Roadsters, Funny Car Sandwiches, Corn Dodges, Sundae Drivers and Chicken MacDragsters in and about the city limits. If you know the whereabouts of any of these fast foods, call us so we can put them in the Alcatrave Oven before they can cause an accident. The Chief, Box B, Bucksville.
AGGRESSIVE GARDENERS: For the seasons' best deal on telephone pole shredders, diesel powered hedge trimmers, atomic bug bombs, orchid tractors, clay pot kits, four hundred room martin houses, forward and back hoes, leather water hose, chain hatchets and more, come on down to Lawndollar Liquidators and let us help you crush the oppressive weeds and bugs in your otherwise beautiful yard. All sale prices good till you get here next door to Box B, Bucksville.
LEARN 30 WAYS to Free U. Write or call Box B, Bucksville. Bring money.